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One armenians view on interracial marriages:

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  • One armenians view on interracial marriages:

    Views of of being an Armenian
    for those married to non-Armenians

    Compiled by Der Stepanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 2001

    A few issues back, an article was compiled on why some Armenian men and women would prefer marrying an Armenian. Now it was befitting to ask why some Armenians married a non-Armenian. For the current article, a number of interviews were conducted with couples where only one spouse is Armenian. The interviewees included both, those where the husband is Armenian and those where the wife is Armenian. The responses were very similar. The information shared here is only the comments of the Armenian spouse, and comments shared without the presence of the non-Armenian spouse. Their comments are written from the first person singular perspective to reflect more of their expressions and presence.

    When I began looking for a spouse, I was looking for an Armenian one because my grandparents and parents had always told me that I should marry an Armenian. Yet, I don’t know exactly why, but marrying an Armenian or a non-Armenian was not very high on my priority list. I was more interested in the person who is ‘good,’ ‘the right one for me,’ and ‘one I could get along with.’ So I met a lot of Armenians my age through family contacts, the Church, and cultural clubs. There were eligible young people such as myself, and some I considered for marriage. But after a number of dates, none of the relationships seemed to work out. At the same time, through school, work, and parties, I also met many non-Armenians too, but again, there were no connections there either. However, with this one person I met through an educational project, my spouse, everything seemed to work out, everything clicked! We both knew we were right for each other!

    I took my future spouse to my parents like I had other dates, and of course they were very displeased. They were not offensive and did not try to put pressure on me, but still, made it clear that they did not approve. They also thought I was being foolish and not practical because I did not know what I was getting into. I must say that even though they were displeased, yet they did not stand in the way of our relationship developing. I could see that they were not as proud of me as when I had introduced Armenian dates, and they did not tell their friends about my relationship with this person. Perhaps they thought it would somehow go away. I was somewhat frustrated and perhaps offended, and felt very bad for my future spouse. But after explaining the situation, my spouse somehow understood and showed love and respect towards my parents, family, and traditions. I think that helped put my parents at ease, and made them less defensive.

    Some of my friends were surprised too. They said: “Considering how involved you are in the Armenian community, we never thought you would marry a non-Armenian!” Others were just the opposite. They kept insisting: “We knew you would marry a non-Armenian!” Frankly, after a while, I stopped listening to both groups. I could not please everyone. My parents were supportive and we were going to marry in the Armenian Church, and this was good enough for me. But when all my friends came to my wedding, I admit, I was really happy to see their support.

    Now we have been married a number of years, and we have children, and I must say that our marriage is a mixed blessing, but definitely a blessing! In my relationship with my spouse, I find some high points and some moments that are not so high.

    As far as high points, in just a few years of marriage, I have learned a lot more about my Armenian heritage than I had during the twenty or so years prior to marriage. There were a lot of facts about being an Armenian that I had taken for granted – about our history, Church, the language, and traditions. So my spouse kept asking ‘why this?’ or ‘why that?’ Being proud of my Armenian heritage I couldn’t say ‘I don’t know.’ So I started researching and learning about the roots of our beliefs and traditions. The more I learned, the more excited I became about my heritage, and the more receptive was my spouse. I can say that perhaps I consciously learned a great deal more about my Armenian heritage than if I married an Armenian. In fact, my friends who are married with Armenians are impressed by my spouse’s knowledge of the Armenian Church, history, and even travel to Armenia. You should see their jaws dropping when they hear about the details of Armenia and the Armenian heritage that my spouse tells them!

    There is something else that I am finding exciting in our relationship: I seem to have the role of introducing being an Armenian to my spouse. It is as though I am presenting the importance of being an Armenian to the rest of the world! It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to say: “We Armenians are pretty good, huh?!” I don’t know what it is, but I get goose bumps when I share with my spouse the pictures of the Armenian Churches, of Armenian authors, artists, and dancers, and of course Genocide pictures and statistics. It is like being an advocate for the Armenian people. It fills my heart!

    Admittedly, there are moments when I wonder what would have happened if I married an Armenian. Yet, as the years go by, the number of times I think about this possibility, this ‘what if,’ are becoming less frequent. The difficulty comes when there is a social situation, and I say something like “Isn’t it supposed to be this way?” Then I catch myself and realize that maybe it is not so. My perspective is what I have witnessed in the Armenian community, and families from other ethnic backgrounds have different understandings. I guess the most poignant moments happen when there is something in the family and I feel that as Armenians “We know it, its second nature!” Just at that moment my spouse stares at me like “What are you talking about?” Then I realize, “Oh yes . . .”

    Out of love and devotion towards me, my spouse has learned some Armenian words such as the greetings, the names of foods, and of course the word odar, and has accepted being somewhat of an outsider in the midst of an Armenian crowd. Still though, I am not as comfortable as I would want to be when I see my spouse not being accepted. My spouse has made a number of insightful suggestions at meetings and fund-raisers, and various people within the community have taken it differently. Some have welcomed it, and others have whispered in Armenian “But you know this is an odar.” These moments have hurt me, but I figured it could happen to anyone who is considered an ‘outsider’ by a group, whether that person is a non-Armenian or even an Armenian.

    Raising our children presented and continues to provide the biggest challenge. My spouse and I knew that raising children in a family that has two different heritages will be a challenge, and . . . downright difficult. The difficulty is not whether we will love one another, or the children will love us. Rather, the difficulty was deciding what sort of identity should we impart on our children. In other words – who should we tell them they are! We thought a lot about ways we can keep them from getting confused or turned off from either of our heritages. The last thing we wanted to do is to raise them in a ‘cultural vacuum,’ with an attitude that they are simply human beings that have no heritage. My spouse and I have somewhat differing traditions, so directing the children to follow both traditions became awfully confusing and cumbersome. I cannot say that I have any simple answers. I must add that we did not have much help from anyone, any organization, or any institution. It seems as though people don’t want to talk about it. Fortunately we have a loving relationship, supportive families and some good friends, so we worked hard to support each other’s heritage and tried to reconcile them. It is also fortunate that the Armenian traditions go back thousands of years, so the kids know that what I say about Armenians is not just pulled out of the air. It is supported by a long proven history.

    We have found a mixed bag of helpful personality characteristics in our backgrounds. On the one hand, my spouse really liked that as Armenians we emphasize respect for parents as well as love for siblings. Not only do we want our children to behave and listen to us, but we also want them to get along with each other. The kids really appreciate this and tell us that they see a difference between our family and those of others at school. Attending Armenian Church has been quite a challenge, but the kids somehow know that when they are attending the Armenian Church, something extra is expected of them. I studied our services, feasts, and saints really hard so I could teach our children. Let me tell you, it can be a full time job! On the other hand, we have adopted some personality characteristics that are not necessarily considered Armenian – such as being direct and to the point. I think such characteristics bring more sincerity, intimacy, and depth to relationships. Fortunately so far our family has not gotten into any trouble for being straight and open within the Armenian community.

    In retrospect, I did not know all the challenges involved in marrying a non-Armenian before I was married. And now that I am married and have a family, I believe these challenges have made me a better Armenian including a good Christian, and helped my family embrace the Armenian community and Church, and appreciate them more fully. And perhaps, I have become a window through which non-Armenians can better see and appreciate the Armenian people!


  • #2
    Marrying odars is such a debated issue amongst armenians.
    Do you think that it is possible for some individuals to change thier minds about what they want or what they feel is the right thing to do? Post in case: This message and the one above are from the same author. This one is written in 2000 the above in 2001. Which goes to show that what it really comes down to for most people, is that we all want to be loved and be with someone who loves us in return. Love doesnt know any culture or age, and that if two people are willing to sacrifice alot and go through many many struggles, then they do belong together.


    Seeking to Uphold a Vision
    by Marrying an Armenian

    Compiled by Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph. D. © 2000

    On this site we have an article entitled Changes Armenian Women and Men would like to see in each other. The response to that article through conversations and our website has been tremendous. Many have identified with the issues presented. Frankly, as expected, some persons not related to the Armenian community who read the article also appreciated the insights of those who had participated in that panel discussion. Many of these people kept asking an interesting question: “If these Armenian women and men feel that there is such an important need for changes in the members of the opposite sex, why do they still remain in the Armenian community? Why don’t they just throw in the towel, say ‘Enough is enough’ and simply marry a non-Armenian?” We could not pass up finding an answer to this question! So we invited two single persons, a woman and a man, who have been looking for their respective soul mates in the Armenian community for a number of years but have not found them yet. We posed the above question to them. Below is the compilation of their responses. It is interesting to note that the reasoning of both these persons were very similar. Both had similar reasons for wanting to marry another Armenian person. Consequently, instead of separating between the female and the male response, we combined the two and wrote the article in the first person singular.

    To be honest with you, I am not going to say that I would not marry a non-Armenian. In fact, I believe that it is incorrect to ask ‘Should you marry an Armenian or not?’ When I say ‘I want to marry an Armenian,’ what I really mean is that I want to perpetuate a vision that I believe God has placed in this world, our ancestors have defended it and I believe in its value. So it is not that I don’t want to marry a non-Armenian, but rather that I want to marry an Armenian in order to maintain a God created vision and a way of life established by my ancestors. I want to be part of a vision in life, a member of a community that has lasted for millennia. This is what marrying an Armenian means to me. By marrying an Armenian I am not running away from something, but instead remaining part of a vision that not only spans throughout the world, but also spans over thousands of years. There maybe some people who will misinterpret what I say as ‘chauvinistic.’ That is not my intent and I will not be apologetic to those people. There may also be others, likely Armenians, who will try to twist my words and say that you should marry an Armenian because ‘Armenians are better than others.’ I do not believe that either and I certainly do not support those views. So, if there are people in those two groups who will read and misinterpret what I have to say here, I really cannot help them.

    For me, I must say that my Christian faith and cultural identity are intertwined. The two go hand in hand! I really think we are very unique among Christian people because of that. I cannot see being Christian in any other community. It is not to say that Armenians are better or worse than others. Since I have learned this sense of spirituality – the interweaving of the abstract faith and the concrete culture in which that faith takes shape, I cannot imagine any other way for me to practice my Christianity.

    Actually our work today is easy. Our grandparents who were massacred in the 1915 Genocide had the tougher job. They are the ones who had to face the ultimatum. We don’t. Now the least we can do is keep our name and maintain our faith and heritage.

    There are many non-Armenians who still wonder if there is a country called ‘Armenia’ or a people who are called ‘Armenians.’ They have read about us in history books and they wonder. It may sound ridiculous but it is real! It is our responsibility to be both proud of this heritage and inform others about the brave and faithful people whose descendents we are. When non-Armenians hear about how we have survived, they do not say something like: “What’s the big deal about surviving thousands of years?!” Believe it or not, the people who most generally make this statement are other Armenians. But generally non-Armenians are awed and many are happy for us. So why should I ignore something that is so inspirational to so many?

    I don’t believe that what I am saying here is true of all Armenians. There are some for whom the Armenian heritage does not make a difference. Fine. That is how God has created them. For me though, there is a piece of my life, a major portion that is simply rooted in the Armenian faith and heritage. I know it!

    Actually, I would encourage marrying someone of own cultural background to all people who have a cultural heritage and an affinity to maintain it. It is not just for Armenians but for people who have a sense of history – be that a three thousand year history or a three hundred year one. I think this is most true in the United States where a homogenous culture does not exist. As a result, if you don’t belong to an Armenian, Greek, German, Irish or another ethnic community, with whom will you associate? The people at work? Once in a while mix with the neighbors at a block-barbeque? Just where are you going to go with your family to share some in depth thoughts and feelings about life, history, the arts, humanity, and religion? That is why I just cannot see myself marrying someone other than an Armenian.

    To say that I did not try to go out with non-Armenians would be a lie. I tried. But it just wasn’t true to me! I could not see myself living in such a relationship the rest of my life. Sure, I could love that one person. But what community would I live in and associate with? Maybe it is just me, but I want to be part of the total humanity and history, and not just my family and neighborhood. Marrying an Armenian, I believe will give me the depth and breadth to continue maintaining that overall perspective of life.

    This ‘depth and breadth’ in life I believe will also manifest in the daily situations. If my partner is an Armenian, it will be much easier to communicate with each other. It does not matter if I am born in the U.S. or overseas. If I have an Armenian heritage and am close to the Armenian community, there are many aspects about me that only another Armenian can easily understand. Can a non-Armenian eventually understand me? Of course! If there is enough love and hard work, we can understand each other regardless of where we come from. I truly believe in the power of love that God has placed in us. Yet, the chances are better that another person with an Armenian background will understand me better than one without. I must add of course, there is no guarantee that someone with an Armenian background will understand me either. We are speaking here of probabilities! I know that I don’t have all the time in the world. So, to improve my chances of finding fulfillment in my relationships, I am trying to find a soul mate in the Armenian community as opposed to looking for someone at large.

    For both parents to come from an Armenian heritage I believe also helps the children and their sense of identity and belongingness. I believe that the children tend to have (and I want to emphasis ‘tend’) a clearer sense of identity if both parents come from the same background. Sure some people say that if the parents come from different backgrounds then the children will be more diverse. I think identity is like learning a language. It is always better to learn one language very well, rather than learning two languages half way. Being from one cultural heritage helps the children learn one culture very well and then expand and diversify from that culture. I must also add that the Armenian culture is very rich in spiritual and family values, so it is a good culture in which to grow and through it learn to appreciate other cultures.

    I believe this makes a difference in the religious aspect of a family as well. There are many Armenian traditions that are based upon the Christian faith that bring the whole family together. When we as spouses have a common religious heritage then I would not feel that I have to explain, apologize or defend my religious traditions. I believe that the children would see this and they will be inspired. But if there are differences in our religious backgrounds, then the children would become confused. In fact, I would think, though I am not sure, that if the children see that attending one Church as opposed to another is going to cause complications between the parents, they may tend to stay away from all Churches and even religion completely. Again though, I must go back and say that there are many children from all Armenian families who simply do not go to Church. At the same time, there are children from families where one parent is Armenian and the other is not where the young people serve in the Church faithfully. So I must remind you, I am speaking of probabilities for which there are always exceptions!

    I believe that if children do not grow up with an appreciation of their parents’ religious and cultural heritage, then the children will not fully understand their parents. So this is not just for the long-term interest of the children or lets say for the sake of the nation. No, it is for the interest of the parents as well!

    I think that when there is no commonality of culture between parents, there is another more subtle loss that takes place within the family. I believe that if both parents come from the same religious and cultural heritage, then they have more time to focus on the deeper and multi-layered aspects of life. But if the parents come from different backgrounds, since they likely cannot do everything together, they will tend to leave out the real deep and unique aspects of each parent’s background. Instead, they will engage in activities that are more individual person oriented as opposed to the larger family and community oriented. They will tend to lose the breadth and depth of life. I think this robs both the parents as well as the children from the beauty of the community life. Again I am sure there are exceptions.

    To illustrate my point, let me give you a real living example. We have a person who is not married to an Armenian but he is really attached to his Armenian identity. Unfortunately, because his wife is not Armenian, she does not come to any of the Armenian functions. They are a good couple, and love each other as husband and wife. There is no question about that. They will not divorce! I can guarantee you that! Yet, the husband generally feels lonely, and he has said so, when we have an event and his wife is not present. In addition, both his sons, 18 and 16 years old, do not attend any of our Armenian gatherings because they never bothered to learn the Armenian language, religious belief or cultural traditions. The issue here is not to establish blame – his fault or her fault. That would be a very selfish and arrogant approach. Rather, we have to accept that that is one of the likely consequences of a marriage between two people of different heritage. In fact, the husband has given-into this reality and admits openly: “My Armenian heritage is going to die with me because my wife and sons don’t understand me!” So are they happy as a couple? I would say “Yes!” But is he, the husband, fulfilled? I would say “No!” I do not know about the wife. Would she be fulfilled if her husband is not? I guess you will have to ask her. But here is the point I am trying to illustrate: Marrying a person you love can lead to happiness. If that person is also Armenian and shares your beliefs and heritage, then I think it can lead to even greater fulfillment in life. This is the vision that I have and this is why I want to marry an Armenian!
    Last edited by sad_eyes; 10-02-2005, 05:57 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Full of generalizations and assumptions and oversimplifications that are often not true. Are there valid points - sure - but do you really want to base your life, your happiness, etc - on someone elses opinion when they have little or no appreciation of your specific situation and what you may want out of life and what you may have to offer? Think about it. (I'm refering to this second piece BTW)

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by winoman
        Full of generalizations and assumptions and oversimplifications that are often not true. Are there valid points - sure - but do you really want to base your life, your happiness, etc - on someone elses opinion when they have little or no appreciation of your specific situation and what you may want out of life and what you may have to offer? Think about it. (I'm refering to this second piece BTW)

        I suppose its every mans/womans opinions of it. Personally, my views have not changed regardless of this individuals choice. I dont think it is for the best of two different people marrying.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by sad_eyes
          I dont think it is for the best of two different people marrying.
          I think that is sad.

          In many ways I have entirely the opposite view. I think that if two people are largely the same (if that can rereally ever be per se) - or lets say are very similar - then neither has a chance to grow as much during the relationship - neither is providing the other with challange/stimulation that prompts personal growth and makes things interesting - thus in some ways you remain more sheltered from the various ways of the wider world - stay more insular - and likely your children will not benefit from a wider view as well and thus could be disadavantaged going out into the world. Not saying that this will always be the case - but I think that there are many advantages to couples from different backgrounds bringing different values and life experiences into the relationship.

          Comment


          • #6
            As Cornell West would say, race matters.
            Achkerov kute.

            Comment


            • #7
              I think people should marry whomever they please and it is nobody's place to suggest otherwise. However, I also feel that any given person is capable of sharing an equally loving relationship with anyone of tens of thousands of people at any given time. For that reason I see no problem in being inclined to seek an Armenian and encourange it. That in itself is not a deprivation of a persons right to decide the source of his or her lifelong romantic happiness. If, incidentally, someone falls in love with someone who is not Armenian then it is that person's right to provide for their happiness in the matter. I accept the fact I can love a non-Armenian. But assuming I am seeking a relationship, I see nothing wrong, in principle with preferring an Armenian.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Anonymouse
                As Cornell West would say, race matters.
                But there is no such thing as the "Armenian Race". Nation, yes. Ethnic group, yes. language, yes. But race, no. You can't change your race - all the rest can be adopted or discarded at will (if the will is strong enough).
                Plenipotentiary meow!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by bell-the-cat
                  But there is no such thing as the "Armenian Race". Nation, yes. Ethnic group, yes. language, yes. But race, no. You can't change your race - all the rest can be adopted or discarded at will (if the will is strong enough).
                  The thread was about "interracial", thus I was keeping it in that rubric. Of course Armenians are not a race. If you have seen my previous posts I have lashed out at people who claim they are.
                  Achkerov kute.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You people are visually unpleasant in the head. Race is a very loose word. It is perfectly acceptable to say the Armenian race, the French race, etc. etc. A race is just a group of people and the classification depends on context. On context! So shut up with all of this "I'm an arrogant amateur anthropologist bullshyt" because it's ridiculous. If you're having a hard time with that, put down the doughnut and grab a dictionary. Better yet: here.

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