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Thought you may like a taste of what lurks on my fishing forums joke page.
Some could cause offence mind, so I do apologise
Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.
I was driving along when I saw a hitch-hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”
I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to f*ck your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked me, "How many potatoes would you like?"
"Oh, I'll just have one, please."
She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"All right," I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid b*tch."
I got kicked out of a comedy club doing a show a while back for getting my xxxx out on stage.
I don't know what went wrong, that move always seems to get a laugh in the bedroom.
Playing charades is a bad time to have a heart attack.
Graphic warnings will appear on cigarette packets this week including rotting teeth, a corpse, and a body cut open.
On sweet cigarette packets the warnings will be pictures of Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson and Ian Huntley!
Michael Barrymore has been sacked from this years Panto of Snow White because of his mood swings.
One minute he'd be feeling Happy, and the next minute he'd come all over Grumpy.
I was walking along the road when I saw a man who had no feet. I went over and kicked the **** out of him.
It's because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
I used to be a pessimist...
But didn't see any benefit in it whatsoever.
Despite the worldwide success of blockbuster movie The Secret Wives of Henry VIII..........the film has struggled to make an impact at American cinemas.
A United States economist said "We're not surprised the movie has struggled, given that the previous 7 films were not released over here".
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
It was the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?".
Both he and his secretary were very upset, but I got the bike.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel.
Unless you're agoraphobic.
Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it happened as the result of a misunderstanding when Playboy offered Colleen £100000 to shave her c*nt...
"I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever there was a war......
So, its not just the french army then...
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this – I am a Member of Parliament!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "Give me MY money."
I'm having some marital problems.
I come home from work, we sit down in front of the telly and don't say one word all night. Some nights I do try but she just doesn't understand me.
I thinks thats the downside of a Thai-bride.
My wife has just come down with Thrush
Now she knows what it's like living with a irritating c*nt.
Every day for a week a german shephard has sh*t on my lawn!!!
Today the cheeky f*cker brought his dog with him!!
I walked into the kitchen, my girlfriend was drying up and thought she would try and be funny when she turned and said "I've got a knife and i'm not afraid to use it!" Waving the knife in my direction.
I said, "Good, start peeling some potatoes I'm f*cking starving."
Some could cause offence mind, so I do apologise
Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.
I was driving along when I saw a hitch-hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”
I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to f*ck your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked me, "How many potatoes would you like?"
"Oh, I'll just have one, please."
She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"All right," I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid b*tch."
I got kicked out of a comedy club doing a show a while back for getting my xxxx out on stage.
I don't know what went wrong, that move always seems to get a laugh in the bedroom.
Playing charades is a bad time to have a heart attack.
Graphic warnings will appear on cigarette packets this week including rotting teeth, a corpse, and a body cut open.
On sweet cigarette packets the warnings will be pictures of Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson and Ian Huntley!
Michael Barrymore has been sacked from this years Panto of Snow White because of his mood swings.
One minute he'd be feeling Happy, and the next minute he'd come all over Grumpy.
I was walking along the road when I saw a man who had no feet. I went over and kicked the **** out of him.
It's because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
I used to be a pessimist...
But didn't see any benefit in it whatsoever.
Despite the worldwide success of blockbuster movie The Secret Wives of Henry VIII..........the film has struggled to make an impact at American cinemas.
A United States economist said "We're not surprised the movie has struggled, given that the previous 7 films were not released over here".
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.
It was the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?".
Both he and his secretary were very upset, but I got the bike.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel.
Unless you're agoraphobic.
Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it happened as the result of a misunderstanding when Playboy offered Colleen £100000 to shave her c*nt...
"I was watching TV last night. I saw an interesting documentary on the Ninja, the Japanese soldier. According to legend the Ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever there was a war......
So, its not just the french army then...
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this – I am a Member of Parliament!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "Give me MY money."
I'm having some marital problems.
I come home from work, we sit down in front of the telly and don't say one word all night. Some nights I do try but she just doesn't understand me.
I thinks thats the downside of a Thai-bride.
My wife has just come down with Thrush
Now she knows what it's like living with a irritating c*nt.
Every day for a week a german shephard has sh*t on my lawn!!!
Today the cheeky f*cker brought his dog with him!!
I walked into the kitchen, my girlfriend was drying up and thought she would try and be funny when she turned and said "I've got a knife and i'm not afraid to use it!" Waving the knife in my direction.
I said, "Good, start peeling some potatoes I'm f*cking starving."