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I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? 
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
The other day I bought powdered water......but I don't know what to add.
"I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'unquote"
--Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
The other day I bought powdered water......but I don't know what to add.
"I wish the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'unquote"
--Steven Wright