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Going for the elusive gold

Glendale News Press
Published November 5, 2005
FROM THE MARGINS

PATRICK AZADIAN
After capturing gold by coming in as "the first to adopt Christianity" and
"the first in the 20th century to be subject to a systematic genocide,"
Armenians have long been overdue for another gold medal. Attaining silver in
the category of literacy (99% rate), behind the Finns, Norwegians and the
Danes (100%) has not satiated their innate desire for winning something.
Recent attempts at striking gold in such categories as "the most oppressed
people in history," "first to have raised the curtain of Communism," or the
"gaudiest houses on the hills" have failed.

Armenian-Americans, however, seem to have a decent chance of winning gold in
the category of "ability to confuse other peoples." I've been captaining
their triathlon team in this category.
The first portion of the triathlon involved confusing people on one's
origins. I entered the team in this segment of the competition by having to
explain to non-Armenians why many of us considered ourselves
Armenian-American, yet more than 50% traced our roots to a place other than
Armenia.
In an attempt to clarify the situation, I made some outrageous analogies:
Let's say your parents are Swedish, and you're born in Laos, you won't
become a Lao Loum (Laos' majority ethnic group), would you?
Needless to say, this pool of the race was won easily. As I headed to the
finish line, I was so far ahead of the competition, I began running backward
and waived at my friends in the Chinese, Jewish and the Macedonian teams.
I knew the second pool of the race had started when my Paraguayan friend,
Cris, asked me to introduce her to an Armenian restaurant. I opted for
Carousel on Brand Boulevard because of its entertainment value and great
dishes.
As we sat there nibbling on samakeh harra and kebbeh nayyeh waiting for the
entertainment, I got an early word of appreciation from Cris. She said:
"Mmmm ... delicious! I love Armenian food!"
Clarification was necessary. I told her, although this is an Armenian
restaurant because it's Armenian owned, most of the food is not Armenian. I
went on to explain that many of the Armenian restaurants don't serve
Armenian food. First, since many of the owners are not from Armenia, and
second, because Armenian dishes, such as vosp (red lentil soup), blor (grain
dumpling soup) and tanabour (yogurt, garlic, herb soup) are not exotic
enough for presentation.
Before I had time to further confuse Cris, the lively dancers had taken
center stage.
Cris continued her praise: "I love these Armenian dances, the music, the
costumes, just beautiful!"
More puzzling news was on its way. These dances are more Middle Eastern and
Lebanese than Armenian, I told her. Armenian traditional dancers usually
reserve most of their corporal movements for the waist up, and specifically
in the wrists and hands. Thus, their cabaret entertainment value is quite
low. We lack in erotica and exotica, so we borrow.
Cris' next comment came in the form of a question: "So, let me get this
straight: This is an Armenian restaurant, but neither the food nor the
entertainment is Armenian?"
Absolutely, I responded. The second portion of the race had been won.
On the third pool of the competition I took an ex-employee and teammate to a
department store to help me shop. Susan was born in Venezuela to Armenian
parents.
As we approached the sales counter, she gave her opinion on a shirt I had
picked up (in Armenian). She said: "Aas mek haduh chee havnetsah (I don't
really like this one.)"
There were three salespeople standing at the counter with different ethnic
backgrounds: Persian, Lithuanian and Mexican. As soon as they heard a
foreign tongue, they were curious to know what it was. Once the Persian
salesperson discovered we shared a birthplace, he began to speak to me in
Persian.
Within minutes I was in the center of a medley of languages. In addition to
Persian and Armenian, Susan was speaking to the Mexican salesperson in
Spanish, and the Lithuanian salesperson had located an Armenian from Armenia
to practice her Russian.
A monolingual customer stood there in awe and asked: "What are you guys!? Do
you all understand each other?"
Somewhat, I said.
The third segment of the race had been conquered.
My friend Mike once asked how come Armenians have unusual Western names.
It was a good observation and certainly a good way to inch closer to the
gold. I explained that Western-sounding names such as Scarlet (from Scarlett
O'Hara in "Gone with the Wind"), Lara (Lara Antipova of "Dr. Zhivago"),
Hamlet (Shakespeare's tragedy of "Hamlet") or Fred (Astaire) are rampant
among Armenian-Americans who trace their roots to Iran.
So, if I run into a woman named Jackie (derived from Jacqueline Onassis),
should I automatically assume she is of Armenian extract, he asked.
Maybe my team has been slacking off on the final leg of the race. But we are
still well ahead to win that illusive gold.
* PATRICK AZADIAN works and lives in Glendale. He may be reached at
[email protected]

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