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So there I am elbow deep in my mom, and I got to thinking....... Walking is the most basic form of transportation for the average adult. All proud parents mark their little xxxxbag's first steps, yet this pride should be eclipsed by the fact that their child has found a new means of exploring the day to day ignorance of the world.
So what am I talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about everytime I stroll through ShadySide and get caught with the shoulder to shoulder bump followed by a "Hey! Watch it buddy!" despite the fact that he ran into me. I'm talking about the old lady that trips over her own feet and sues. I'm talking about the people who walk half a step behind you eventually stepping on your heel. How about the jackass who manages to time his step so that your intersecting paths result in you having to hit the breaks awkwardly? What about the stop-start walkers that force you and everyone else to stutter step at regular intervals? Usually its a girl who stops, pulls out the lip gloss, walks a little further, and stops to put it away.
What about this.......
Running is too fast, and jogging just isn't for me.......how about I fake run but call it walking? I shall call it - powerwalking!
Moustache - check
Visor - check
Nut hugging shorts - check
Alright, back to the point... I ask that one day...ONE DAY.....I can walk from point A to point B without some kind of hang up. Here's the thing. Walking should be just like driving. In the US, keep the traffic on the right, keep things flowing, allow for merging and proper spacing. Who am I kidding, nobody can drive, so why should I expect them to walk? For every rice-burning, teenaged, tailgating, wiggin', homeslice that's disturbing the chi of my sniper van, there's a blue haired xxxxx that's oblivious to the the pedestrians she is impeding.
And tonight the something similar happened to me about people interfering in my way, only it was cranberry juice. Jesus H. Christ. I almost picked up a can of cranberry juice and threw it at the fat pig blocking my reach.
Whatever you do DO NOT say "excuse me". Fat women get pissed really easy and may attack if angered. The last thing I want is to be pinned down next to the Funyons with a 400 lb behemtoth yelling in my face whilst spittling up her "free sample" of xxxxtail weenies and giving me a close up of her stubbly moustache.
I usually find that dropping a few boxes of kleenex in their carts when they're not looking satisfies my anger. Their anger manages to come out on the cashier instead.....and that's always good for a laugh.
Sorry I just had to air out my anger.
So what am I talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm talking about everytime I stroll through ShadySide and get caught with the shoulder to shoulder bump followed by a "Hey! Watch it buddy!" despite the fact that he ran into me. I'm talking about the old lady that trips over her own feet and sues. I'm talking about the people who walk half a step behind you eventually stepping on your heel. How about the jackass who manages to time his step so that your intersecting paths result in you having to hit the breaks awkwardly? What about the stop-start walkers that force you and everyone else to stutter step at regular intervals? Usually its a girl who stops, pulls out the lip gloss, walks a little further, and stops to put it away.
What about this.......
Running is too fast, and jogging just isn't for me.......how about I fake run but call it walking? I shall call it - powerwalking!
Moustache - check
Visor - check
Nut hugging shorts - check
Alright, back to the point... I ask that one day...ONE DAY.....I can walk from point A to point B without some kind of hang up. Here's the thing. Walking should be just like driving. In the US, keep the traffic on the right, keep things flowing, allow for merging and proper spacing. Who am I kidding, nobody can drive, so why should I expect them to walk? For every rice-burning, teenaged, tailgating, wiggin', homeslice that's disturbing the chi of my sniper van, there's a blue haired xxxxx that's oblivious to the the pedestrians she is impeding.
And tonight the something similar happened to me about people interfering in my way, only it was cranberry juice. Jesus H. Christ. I almost picked up a can of cranberry juice and threw it at the fat pig blocking my reach.
Whatever you do DO NOT say "excuse me". Fat women get pissed really easy and may attack if angered. The last thing I want is to be pinned down next to the Funyons with a 400 lb behemtoth yelling in my face whilst spittling up her "free sample" of xxxxtail weenies and giving me a close up of her stubbly moustache.
I usually find that dropping a few boxes of kleenex in their carts when they're not looking satisfies my anger. Their anger manages to come out on the cashier instead.....and that's always good for a laugh.
Sorry I just had to air out my anger.