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Your relationship with your parents.

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  • #11
    Alright here's a little advice from me to any of you who don't have the best relationship with your parents. Please please try your best to get along with them and be closer to them. I know this means compromising some of your beliefs and opinions, but trust me. I didn't realize how much my father was missing out on my life until he got sick. He didn't know anything about me. He was a very Armenian father, even though he wasn't strict with me at all. He wanted things to go his way, and for his family to be the IDEAL. I never wanted to fit in with the rest of the family, so I usually did things in the exact opposite way that everyone else did. When I used to smoke(ew), I would just smoke in front of my uncles, aunts, cousins...I didn't give a fcuk. I went out almost every night, even when he first got sick..because I thought that it was too much for me to handle. Well, I have to admit...I WAS A xxxxx OF A DAUGHTER> I mean, when your father needs you most....do you spend as much time as you possibly can with him or do you go out and pretend he doesn't exist? Well, I went out..and partied..my a** off....and what do I have to show for it...A LIFETIME OF REGRET. I regret not hugging him every single moment, even when he was screaming at me and comparing me to everyone else's daughter. I regret not kissing him enough on that bald head of his...or not singing with him in the car, which was his favorite thing to do. I would usually tell him to stop singing...OH MY GOD I wish I could hear that voice for one more second now.....Alright, now that I got myself to cry at 11 am..lol..I am just gonna tell you guys this...

    I know that it's hard to give up what we believe is right..but you HAVE TO! If only you guys can just give up on the arguing...and just go up to your mom or dad...and just give them a hug and a kiss. Tell them you love them. That's seriously all it takes to make a parent's day. Now, if you do that enough, they will begin to trust you more, and also show their love more. That's basically all it comes down to...the ability to show your emotions...Unfortunately Armenian parents have a hard time with this. So, why don't you be the first to show them how....

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    • #12
      Violette, very touching words.

      What you did sounds just like what I used to do. Re: Going out every day and partying my *ss off. I even regret leaving her alone on New Year's eve once. I know it was selfish. I did make up for it this year, I stayed home. But I still feel guilty about it, and I do try to do my best to get along with her, but at times I don't think it's possible unless I do exactly as she tells me, and I'm 21, and it's depressing not to have a life of your own at 21 while all your friends or classmates can do whatever they want.

      After I yell at her and all that, I feel guilty about it. And I know I shouldn't have done that. And it makes me even more depressed. I just can't live with her, I guess. I don't know. Why should I be the one to sacrifice my beliefs? At least if the change is mutual, it would be bearable, but I can't afford to change my entire system of beliefs and feelings for her sake. Some parents ask for too much. I do hug her, and frequently tell her I love her and appreciate all that she's done for me, but sometimes she's just too much for me to shut up and listen to her. I know she cares, and I know she wants the best for me. She's been there for me in some of the toughest times of my life, but she's also contributed a lot to my depression.

      *sigh* anyway, i'm going to bed now. this is too depressing.
      Last edited by Darorinag; 03-20-2004, 11:37 AM.

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      • #13
        Originally posted by Darorinag Violette, very touching words.

        What you did sounds just like what I used to do. Re: Going out every day and partying my *ss off. I even regret leaving her alone on New Year's eve once. I know it was selfish. I did make up for it this year, I stayed home. But I still feel guilty about it, and I do try to do my best to get along with her, but at times I don't think it's possible unless I do exactly as she tells me, and I'm 21, and it's depressing not to have a life of your own at 21 while all your friends or classmates can do whatever they want.

        After I yell at her and all that, I feel guilty about it. And I know I shouldn't have done that. And it makes me even more depressed. I just can't live with her, I guess. I don't know. Why should I be the one to sacrifice my beliefs? At least if the change is mutual, it would be bearable, but I can't afford to change my entire system of beliefs and feelings for her sake. Some parents ask for too much. I do hug her, and frequently tell her I love her and appreciate all that she's done for me, but sometimes she's just too much for me to shut up and listen to her. I know she cares, and I know she wants the best for me. She's been there for me in some of the toughest times of my life, but she's also contributed a lot to my depression.

        *sigh* anyway, i'm going to bed now. this is too depressing.

        I'M SORRY BUT YOU ARE SO WRONG!

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        • #14
          Violette,
          I fell asleep watching the Duke/ Seton Hall game (it was boring) and I woke up reading this post...I just started to cry

          I agree with you, its important to spend time with your parents and let them know that you really love them, dont expect them to just assume that you love them, tell them, "I LOVE YOU." Everytime I leave the house I tell my parents I love them, and yes like most Armenian families they have a hard time showing their emotions, especially my dad, but they still know the importance of telling their kids that they love them. I always make an effort to be with my parents, especially during holidays like Christmas, New Years, and Easter. Heck, I even miss my parents so much that I go back home just about every other week.
          Anyways, just remeber to tell them how much you love them, just think how those three little words could put a smile on your mothers face

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          • #15
            Originally posted by violette829 I'M SORRY BUT YOU ARE SO WRONG!
            About what?

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            • #16
              Originally posted by Darorinag Why should I be the one to sacrifice my beliefs? At least if the change is mutual, it would be bearable, but I can't afford to change my entire system of beliefs and feelings for her sake. Some parents ask for too much.

              About that! I'm sorry for saying this, but just for bringing you into this world automatically makes her above you. There are mothers in the world who leave their babies on the street, or throw them in the dumpster...because they haven't felt that mother's love. For the fact that you said that your mother has provided for you and taken care of you, makes me believe that YOU HAVE TO COMPROMISE YOURRRR BELIEFS...Don't expect her to make the first step. Like I said, this is not something you should be doing your entire life. I'm not saying when you're 40, you should compromise what you believe for your mother's sake...but for now, this is the only way you will win her over. Trust me, you want your parents on your side through life...


              I think coming into the United States and adapting to their way of life has had a profound effect on our parents. I mean, they way they remember it is that the parent was ALWAYS right. Go ask your mom how strict her parents were...Then, you'll understand where she's coming from. This is what will happen as the generations live on and on. I'm sure our kids will think of us as being "old-fashioned" or mean...it's the way life goes.

              Hey why don't you look into the future. Now, imagine having a son do EXACTLY what you've done in your life. I mean EVERYTHING! Making the same mistakes, with the same people, doing the same things.....Can you imagine it? I know with all of my mistakes, I will try to protect my daughter from making the same ones. I mean...this is the way we learn from history....right?

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              • #17
                Just because she brought me into the world doesn't mean she owns me or in any way justify her total control over me, at least after the age of 18!!!

                Now, imagine having a son do EXACTLY what you've done in your life. I mean EVERYTHING! Making the same mistakes, with the same people, doing the same things.....Can you imagine it? I know with all of my mistakes, I will try to protect my daughter from making the same ones. I mean...this is the way we learn from history....right?
                Dear oh dear, no... of course not... never. I would let him do what he wants, at least after the age of 18... i know you're gonna say "it's easy to talk but hard to do it when the time comes", but I'd be a hypocrite if i did the same thing to my kid that i didn't want my mom do to me... besides, it's his life, isn't it? i'm not bringing him into the world so that he'd take care of me. that's not what bringing kids into the world is all about anymore! it used to be, because of economic problems and all that, but if he wants to go and fight in iraq, he can do it. i'm not gonna hold him back, EVEN IF i am against the war. and so on.

                trust me, parents who control (AND sacrifice so much for them) will be loved less by their kids than will parents who leave them be and don't sacrifice much (other than basic living expenses).

                you know, i wouldn't mind spending new year's eve alone, as long as he's happy. what's the use of keeping him in, or even if i don't keep him in, making him feel guilty about it? it's pointless.

                kids who are controlled by their parents tend to be more problematic in the future.

                as for my mom, if she could, she would come and stay in my room when i get married and am sleeping with someone........ to make sure i'm not doing something that would "harm" me... please, that's not what bringing kids into the world is about!!!
                Last edited by Darorinag; 03-20-2004, 01:50 PM.

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                • #18
                  Alright, you have issues to deal with your mom. I don't understand you..I was talking about protecting your children against making the same mistakes that you did. Don't you think that you're going to do that?

                  By the way......if you want freedom....GET A JOB AND MOVE OUT! I'm sorry but as long as you're living under HER roof, and being taken care of at the age of 21...DOES NOT GIVE YOU TOTAL FREEDOM! You have to earn respect and freedom....from your parents.

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                  • #19
                    As long as I haven't signed a contract telling me that if I want to live in her house and eat from her money, it's fair game.

                    Earn freedom from my parents? Please...
                    This is what I'm talking about. This is just the epitome of foolishness. I don't have to earn anything from my parents. Freedom is a right, not a privilege!!!! She's free to kick me out, I can't do anything about it if she chooses to do that! But the fact that she hasn't kicked me out doesn't mean that I have to automatically live under her dictatorship!!!

                    I was talking about protecting your children against making the same mistakes that you did. Don't you think that you're going to do that?
                    I am not going to "protect" them by actions (i.e. preventing to go out, controlling their entire lives, etc.)!!! I would tell them how I did the same thing and how it was wrong, and what I learned from it, nothing more. If he chooses to learn it the hard way, then so be it! All I can do is give advice. And again, I can deal with my mom telling me this is right and this is wrong, but I can't deal with the fact that she tells me DON'T DO THIS, DON'T DO THAT. Please!!! Is she also gonna choose who I go out with just cos I live under her roof?!?!? That's illogical!!

                    Anyway, that's the state of my relationship with my mom.

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                    • #20
                      This thread is going good so far. Violette and Dan stop taking it off topic.

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