solutions

[arabaliozian]

Sunday, July 13, 2008
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FINAL SOLUTION
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You want solutions to our problems?
Read the Bible.
And if you think you are smarter than God,
find your own goddamn solutions.
If you say the solutions in the Bible are dated
and therefore useless, then I suggest
the only solution is putting in an order
for a new God, a new Bible, a new Messiah,
and a new Lord's prayer:
“Give us this day our daily shish kebab and pilaf,
and lead us not into massacres.”
Do you really think
our bosses, bishops, and benefactors
are in need of your solutions?
How many letters have you received from them
so far asking for solutions?
How many letters have you received from them
so far asking for your “moral and financial support?”
These gentlemen have no use for your two cents' worth.
They want your bucks.
The bigger the buck the better.
Instead of statesmen we have panchoonies
whose favorite punch line is “Mi kich pogh.”
If you haven't understood that much about Armenians,
what, pray tell, have you understood?
A rhetorical question.
No need to answer.
Because the answer is obvious:
nil, nada, nothing,
vochinch, rien, zero, zilch!
#
Monday, July 14, 2008
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MEMOS:
TO MY FELLOW ARMENIANS
*************************************************
If no one flatters you
do not flatter yourself
but if you do
do not confuse your lies
with articles of faith
straight out of Holy Writ.
*
If a fellow Armenian
refuses to parrot
your sentiments and thoughts
don't accuse him of being a Turk
who hates not only you
but also Mount Ararat
and Lake Sevan.
*
If a fellow Armenian
disagrees with you
don't insult him;
but if you do
and he returns the compliment
don't spend the rest of your life
trying to get even.
*
If you are in a hole
stop digging as if
you aimed to reach China.
*
If you bray like an jackass
don't compare yourself to Pavarotti.
*
If you look like a mongoloid
walk like a retard
speak like an inbred moron
don't brag about your genius.
*
If you begin to suspect
no one wants to touch you
with a ten-foot pole
the very least you can do
is not to pretend
the sun shines
out of your backside.
#
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
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OBSERVATIONS
*********************************
All our publications are subsidized by bosses, bishops, and benefactors. Which means you can say nothing against God, Capital, and the Party; only Turks. This may explain why our Turcocentric ghazetajis are our most prolific, ubiquitous, and popular writers. Next time you hear about an Armenian who was awarded a literary prize, you can be sure of one thing: he is a Turcaholic.
*
Armenian criticism: Revenge by other means.
*
I have never heard a decent Armenian say we need solutions, only dupes and crooks who will reject any solution that threatens to expose them.
*
The only time I question the truth of the dictum, “No one is beyond redemption,” is when I visit an Armenian discussion forum on the Internet.
*
To ignore Armenian writers is to exterminate them by other means. There is a micro-Talaat and mini-Stalin in all of us.
*
An Armenian once said to me: “When I stay away from Armenians, I am a vegetarian. In their company I become a carnivore.”
*
Some writers, among them Gabriel Garcia Marquez, write for their friends. I write against my enemies. My ideal reader is one who reacts to my things with profanities, but after a while – say, in 9 or 99 years – he begins to suspect I may not be as hopeless a case as he thought I was, and someday, with his guidance, I may even begin to see things his way.
#

[jgk3]

Re: solutions

Sunday, July 13, 2008
**************************************

An Armenian once said to me: “When I stay away from Armenians, I am a vegetarian. In their company I become a carnivore.”

#

I like that

[arabaliozian]

Re: solutions

Thursday, July 17. 2008
**********************************
ILLUSIONS
*****************************
A headline in our paper this morning reads: “Saudi king calls for unity and reconciliation.” If kings can entertain illusions, why not Armenian scribblers?...
*
Some Armenians believe if they lower Turks, they will raise themselves. Like most beliefs, this too is an illusion. People don't judge you by how much you hate your enemies, but by how well you treat your friends.
*
What is the difference between an Armenian who uses his tongue like a yataghan and an executioner? The executioner thinks of himself as a law-and-order man. The Armenian believes his superior brand of patriotism allows him to engage in verbal massacre – the real thing being against the law...
*
It is said that shortly before he died, Zohrab's assassin dictated an apology. He may have – he was a Kurd.
*
Writing for a hostile audience can be more stimulating than writing for a friendly one. But nothing beats writing for Armenians.
*
Speaking of Kurdish assassins: When a wealthy Armenian merchant hired a notorious Kurdish assassin to kill Raffi, the Kurd refused to carry out his assignment when he found out his target was only a harmless scribbler. Had the Kurd been an Armenian, I suspect the story would have had a different ending.
#
Friday, July 18, 2008
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AS I SEE IT
*************************
Empires are not born but made. Once upon a time all empires were a single obscure little tribe in some remote corner of the map. It takes a thousand right policy decisions for a tribe to become an empire, and it takes an equal number of wrong decision for a tribe to remain a tribe.
Whenever this subject comes up, I hear someone say, “We Armenians are peace-loving people, not greedy and bloodthirsty empire builders.”
Such an Armenian speaks with a forked tongue. I believe nothing he says because he does not speak, he parrots hearsay evidence. Such an Armenian will believe anything that flatters his vanity. In another context this very same Armenian will boast about the empire of Dikran the Great.
Don't get me wrong. I am not here to extol imperialism. I am only trying to understand and explain reality as objectively as I can without allowing the propaganda of politicians to contaminate my reason.
All politicians lie, including our own. Nothing unusual in that. Our historians, like most historians, lie too, and they lie to earn their pay. We hate to admit this for a number of reasons. We hate to admit that subservience has entered our bloodstream and rearranged our DNA. For many centuries we were subservient to foreign despots. We are now subservient to the lies of our wheeler-dealers even when they tell us they had nothing to do with our misfortunes. It was all written. Kismet. God is great, and God in His wisdom has willed it thus and so.
It has been said that Christianity replaced the human master (or king) with the divine master, and God is a king who doesn't have to exist in order to rule.
Again and again I am told to be more positive and to provide solutions. Does that mean lies are positive and truth negative? Does that mean objective judgment is suspect and propaganda patriotic?
A critic's job is not to kiss ass and say it smells like roses, but to expose contradictions, and more particularly, the lies of charlatans.
As for solutions: Do you then think all our writers have been doing during the last 1500 years is engage in mental masturbation? If you think that, all I can say is: May God have mercy on your soul, if there is a God and you have a soul.
#
Saturday, July 19, 2008
**********************************************
RONDO
***************************
The biggest mistakes are the easiest to make.
*
Even when historians agree on the facts or physics (time, place, numbers) they may disagree on the metaphysics (values, ethics, religious commandments). Some Muslims are brought up to believe killing infidels is not a crime against humanity but a religious duty. They may thus plead not guilty by reason of religious conviction, belief system, or metaphysical insanity.
*
The rule is, if a politician and historian agree, they must be both wrong.
*
Losing wars is not a crime. It can happen to the mightiest empires (remember the Yanks in Vietnam and the Soviets in Afghanistan). Peace-loving and civilized people may be enslaved by warlike barbarians. That too is not a crime. What is a crime, and a serious one, is, in legal parlance, dropping your pants and bending over. To the sultans we were their most loyal millet, and to the Bolsheviks we betrayed our ablest men. But that's not our greatest blunder either. Our greatest blunder,which is worse than a crime, is treating our own leaders as if they were sultans and commissars.
*
Habits die hard. It may take more than a century to shake off habits acquired during millennia. For more on this subject, read Baronian and Odian – two men with cojones who spoke the truth as they saw it. Baronian was betrayed to the police and Odian died an alcoholic. And finally, consider the case of Gomidas Vartabed whose sole ambition in life was to revive our ancient melodies and harmonies. He too was betrayed to the authorities and eventually took refuge in insanity.
#

[arabaliozian]

Re: solutions

Sunday, July 20, 2008
*********************************
FASCISTS AMONG US
********************************************
Once upon a time I was a fascist and didn't know it. The first time someone pointed that out to me, I thought,what the hell does he know? There is a tendency in all of us to believe that which is to our advantage and to disbelieve or ignore that which is against us. If someone tells us we are smart, we think, sure, why not? But if someone tells us we are dumb or even not as smart as we think we are, that's when the excrement hits the ventilator.
*
Can a victim of fascism be a fascist, or the victim of a racist be a racist? When a Canadian critic with a German name, in his review of my first book, called me a racist, I thought, the damn fool is projecting.
*
If you can't trust your father, or schoolteacher, or parish priest, whom can you trust? Very probably this misconception or misplaced trust has created more fascists than Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, and Idi Amin Dada combined.
*
Can a victim of fascism be a fascist? As nationalists, we don't think of ourselves as victims of fascism. We think of ourselves as victims of Turks, Kurds, Russians, or Azeris. But a fascist is a fascist regardless of nationality, in the same way that “a bourgeois is a bourgeois regardless of nationality” (Lenin), a Neanderthal is a Neanderthal, a skinhead is a skinhead, a hoodlum is a hoodlum, and a dealer in chauvinist crapola is a dealer in verbal manure, and the fact that the ordure happens to be of Armenian origin doesn't make its stench more bearable.
*
How to recognize a fascist? If you express an honest opinion and you are verbally abused, he is a fascist. Whenever that happens to me, I count my blessings. In another time and place, I think, he would have me shot or do the shooting himself, and get a medal for it, or a raise in pay “for services rendered to the Fatherland.” Heil Hitler! Mussolini ha sempre ragione (Mussolini is always right). Gott mit uns (God with us). Finally, if he speaks in the name of God only to legitimize his ignorance, intolerance, hatred, and criminal conduct, he is a fascist.
#
Monday, July 21, 2008
*****************************************
A ROUTINE OCCURRENCE
***********************************************
In his effort to assert his brand of superior patriotism, he exposes himself as a scumbag, and he is too full of himself to realize what's happening – and when I say too full of himself I mean of course too full of something else...
*
DEFINITIONS OF PATRIOTISM
******************************************
A bishop will define it as a belief system in which God and His representatives on earth play a central role. A benefactor will define it as a system in which Capital is God. A political boss will define it as a system in which the Party (namely, himself) is both God and Capital. It follows, in the eyes of some we will all be guilty of treason and deserve to fry.
*
THE ART OF WAR
****************************
If in doubt be assertive on the grounds that the average dupe or ignoramus judges the reliability of an opinion by the degree of assertiveness it is made. If you suspect your adversary knows better, be aggressive on the grounds that if he is half as smart he will have enough sense not to tangle with you.
*
ON BENEFACTORS, BROWN-NOSERS,
FUND RAISERS, & PANCHOONIES
**********************************************
Raymond Chandler: “Where the money is, so will the jackals gather.”
#
Tuesday,July 22, 2008
********************************************
MORE ON ARMENIAN FASCISM
************************************************** *****
May I take the liberty to remind some of my not-so-gentle readers that dialogue consists in assertion or thesis, contradiction or antithesis, and synthesis, and not – repeat, not!, definitely verboten – in kicking in the balls of your adversary, gouging his eyes out, and dancing on his grave.
*
If I ever decide to write a book on Armenian fascism, all I have to do is visit an Armenian discussion forum on the Internet and quote from it by way of illustration.
*
The hardest thing for an Armenian to understand is that supporting a regime of bloodsuckers has absolutely nothing to do with patriotism and everything to do with cowardly and blind subservience.
*
There is talk here in Canada about passing a law against anonymous bullying on the Internet. If that happens, most Armenian discussion forums will go out of business, and I for one will not mourn their passing.
*
Since as an Armenian writer I work for nothing, there are those who think I would be more than willing to work for minimum wage, and they are taken aback when I insult them.
#
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
************************************
BRAZIL
**************************
When no one comments on what I write, I feel ignored, dejected, depressed.
When even a single reader takes it upon himself to verbally abuse me,
I feel much better.
When, on those very rare occasions,
two or more readers insult me,
I think I've got it made
and any better I couldn't stand.
*
Writing for Armenians is a sensation
akin to swimming in a Brazilian river
teeming with toothless piranhas.
*
They may be toothless
but they have the memory of elephants.
*
ARMENIAN SAYINGS
*********************************
A toothless dog barks from a distance.
*
If you have a choice between fighting
a fully-armed knight on horseback
and a loud-mouth woman,
choose the knight.
*
When you go to war, pray once.
When you cross the ocean, pray twice.
When you take a wife,
pray three times.
*
A coward takes revenge by slicing a watermelon.
*
He who speaks the truth bears many scars.
#