Differences Between Men and Women

[Sako]

Ladies and Gents, this is the official thread dedicated to...

The Differences Between Men & Women...

Let's face it, it can be very hard for women to understand men at times and it's very, very difficult at times for men to understand women, I know (which can be very funny and interesting at times), so I'm creating this thread so we can all analyze this matter and perhaps even learn something along the way ! For those with a terrible sense of humor, note that many of the posts in this thread will probably be humorous but remember ...almost all jokes are 40-50% factual/true, lol. So that's where it gets interesting .

[KanadaHye]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

Oh no... you didn't... yes you did

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

Difference #1

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
~
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need!

Difference #2

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
~
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Difference #3

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
~
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us".

Difference #4

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
~
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Difference #5

Women look good in hats
~
Men look like jerks.

Difference #6

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
~
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i’s" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p’s" and "g’s". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Difference #7

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
~
The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Difference #8

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
~
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Difference #9

Women love cats.
~
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Difference #10

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
~
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Difference #11

A woman has the last word in any argument.
~
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Difference #12

Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
~
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Difference #13

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
~
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there", and, "I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Difference #14

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
~
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Difference #15

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
~
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

Difference #16

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
~
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Finally, regarding men not understanding women. Come on, let's not exaggerate. There are only 2 occasions when men don't understand women...

...Before Marriage & After Marriage...

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly)

6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly)

5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly)

2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly)

1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly)

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
(prepared and presented by men)

1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly - "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it")
8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translation (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I love You")
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly- "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schimittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
24. To Honor and Obey:Remembering the Small Print Above I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

SEMINARS FOR MEN
(prepared and presented by women)

1. Combatting? Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9 . Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass? When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "tits"? From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home

[KanadaHye]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

I plead you not to do this... I fear for your life... lol.

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

I've reached the point of no return. Hold the rope tight yekhpayr, I'm going in...

[Sako]

Re: ~MEN)-vs-(WOMEN~

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.