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Generally funny stuff

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  • Generally funny stuff

    Instead of making new threads for each joke I think we can post written jokes here in this thread. I will start it off with this one and I hope other members will contribute.

    A guy approached St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter said, "Before I can let you in I must ask if you have done anything really worthy in your life?"

    "Well, yes I have", he replied. "I was driving through South Dakota and I saw a bunch of bikers being really ugly to this woman. I stopped and yelled for them to quit it. They didn't so I got out of the car, walked up to the biggest, meanest, most tattoed one of the bunch, grabbed him by the earring and said, 'Leave her alone or I'll have to kick everyone of your azzes' "

    "Really?" said St Peter. "When did you do this?"

    "Oh, just a few minutes ago".
    Hayastan or Bust.

  • #2
    Re: Generally funny stuff

    Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.
    Hayastan or Bust.


    • #3
      Re: Generally funny stuff

      Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR director asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

      The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

      Kathy said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
      - say, a red Corvette?"

      The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

      Kathy replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
      Hayastan or Bust.


      • #4
        Re: Generally funny stuff

        Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
        "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
        "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a dump anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"
        "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
        "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
        "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."
        "Do you have trouble taking a dump, asked the 70 year old.
        "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."
        With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a dump every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"
        To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"
        Hayastan or Bust.


        • #5
          Re: Generally funny stuff

          n old Native American wanted a loan for $500.

          The banker pulled out the loan application.
          "What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the Indian.

          "Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response.

          "What have you got for collateral?"

          "Don't know collateral," replied the Indian

          "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
          "Have you got any vehicles?"

          "Yes. 1949 Chevy pickup," replied the Indian

          The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

          "Yes, I have a horse," replied the Indian

          "How old is it?" the banker asks.

          "Don't know, has no teeth," replies the Indian

          Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

          Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
          He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.
          He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

          "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.

          "Put in hogan", replied the Indian

          "Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.

          "Don't know deposit," replied the Indian

          "You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
          Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

          The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker...
          "What you got for collateral?"
          Hayastan or Bust.


          • #6
            A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him: “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

            Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you. This may very well be the solution,” the woman responded.

            The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

            There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
            Hayastan or Bust.


            • #7
              Originally posted by Haykakan View Post
              Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
              That was funny!


              • #8
                "A distraught father in Turkey, upset that his daughter got engaged without his permission, committed suicide on Facebook Live"