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A few jokes...

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  • #1

    A few jokes...

    Priceless...

    Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

    His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

    His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

    a self-induced hangover - $100.00
    broken furniture - $200.00
    breakfast - $10.00
    saying the right thing - priceless

    The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
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  • #2
    Green eggs and what?

    The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. 'Green Eggs and Ham' is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. Here's the dilemma... how can Jewish kids celebrate with green eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of) Dr. Seuss, here's a new ending for 'Green Eggs and Ham':

    Will you never see?
    They are not kosher, So let me be!
    I will not eat green eggs and ham.
    I will not eat them, Sam-I-am
    But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit!
    Or I will try them with some brisket.
    I'll eat green eggs in a box.
    If you serve them with some lox.
    And those green eggs are worth a try
    Scrambled up in matzo brie!
    And in a boat upon the river,
    I'll eat green eggs with... chopped liver!
    So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
    But troubled by green eggs and ham,
    Let your friends in on the scoop:
    Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
    The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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    • #3
      Why God created Eve...

      When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".
      The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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      • #4
        I think he said: "Ok I'm bored ... let's make things more interesting."

        ... well either that, or "Let there be chaos!"
        this post = teh win.

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        • #5
          BELL 4!

          A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

          "From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

          The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.

          "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
          The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Seapahn
            I think he said: "Ok I'm bored ... let's make things more interesting."

            ... well either that, or "Let there be chaos!"
            hehe
            lkskdjgfasl
            The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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            • #7
              Uhoh...

              Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one night in a moment of passion -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

              "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"

              "Honey, let me explain..."

              "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

              "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."
              The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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              • #8
                Good stuff ck.
                I see...

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                • #9
                  ??

                  What's the diffrence between a light bulb and a pregnant girl?

                  You can unscrew the light bulb!!
                  The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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                  • #10
                    Wedding colors

                    While attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

                    "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

                    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
                    The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

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