A few jokes...

[ckBejug]

Rich Love...

The boy is talking banking
To the girl who’s looking bored,
She’s thinking ‘What an dullard'
While he wonders if he’s scored.
Then he mentions what he’s earning
And her eyebrow gives a twitch;
She looks again and thinks ‘Amen’;
Such love is always rich.


Modern Love...

I gave my love a questionnaire
Out of a glossy magazine.
My love for him it trembled;
He scored three out of fifteen!
My chosen wailed loudly
‘But my love for you is strong!’
All the same, I hope a therapist
Can show him where he’s wrong.

[ckBejug]

Self-help

my addiction is my reverence
my reverence my pride
my pride betrays my preference
my preference can’t decide
my decision is deferral
my deferral seeks prediction
my prediction needs a reference
refer to my addiction

[ckBejug]

[Harut82]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[Harut82]

A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club.
She took him to her apartment and said, "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best."
So he ran off with the TV and VCR.

[Harut82]

The true meaning . . .

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and ***.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect! that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

[Harut82]

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans


4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots and fats and sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Harut82]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Harut82]

This guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just
make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The
parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting,
he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's
insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"What???" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss
her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"Well???" demands the frantic guy. "Then what happened!?!"







"Damned if I know, I got an erection and fell off my perch!!!

[ckBejug]

What kind of girl do you take me for?

A train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered a compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his newspaper.

As the woman sat down, the man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me f*ck you for a dollar?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the shocked young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me f*ck you for a million dollars?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me f*ck you for five dollars?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price."