Domestic abuse in Armenian culture

[Anoush]

Re: Domestic abuse in Armenian culture

I can resemble something in the steak knife story;

My father was also very aggressive but not in everyday, just when you xxxxed up in his way. He never used belts or etc like yours but;

At 4 he threw a big ketchup bottle in my face at a family dinner apparantly cause I didn't give him the salt. I had all my relatives there too and none did a thing to help me while I was crawling half unconcious and half confused. This thing changed my life forever. I remember every bit with full clarity like a HD movie, my respect for these people is 0. Today when they ask why are you so withdrawn to us it feels like a blow every time. Is it possible to forget a thing like this?

At 6 he threw a bottle of yoghurt into my face with similar result as above for getting angry when he made my mother cry.

At 7 I was playing in a big sack that was a remaining from christmas earlier and he told me to go sleep, I said no I like to play in it. He lifted the sack up and threw it with me in it with all his powers into the floor so I injured my tailbone. Then he lifted me in my leather belt which caused incredible pain and threw me crying into bed. I did not walk for a week.

At 8 he lifted me up hard against a wall and smacked me into it because I had mimiced his rude behaviour when I asked if we could go rent a videogame.

At 10 He slammed open my bedroom door and threw a electrical charger he found that missed my head with not much and hit a concrete wall that the teeth of it pierced right trough and got stuck. All because I couldn't sleep and was trying to talk myself to sleep maybe a bit loud. I always wonder what would've happened if it hit me in the head.

At 13 I was playing games with friends and he decided to come in just to irritate me, I said get the hell out man please.. And pushed him out gently. He then rear choked me infront of my friends.

At 14 he beat me bloody/unconcious and called me racist because I didn't like islam or blacks when we were fighting against those groups in school.

At 15 he chased me for 10-15 minutes with a frying pan for calling him a xxxxing bastard when he made mother cry. I ran to the other side of town and when I got back door was locked and I was not welcome. I called my mother tho and she opened it for me at midnight. I made a rope ladder and locked my door incase he would come again.

At 19 By this time I was now at the gym 4 days a week and the MMA center 3 days, I had grown very big and was still very messed up in my head. I was sleeping one day and my father slammed my door open and yelled at me and asked me to clean the house. I punched him real hard and then threw him away like a ragdoll. I told him, if you ever raise your voice or try to command me again I will kill you right here on the spot without a problem.

Today years later he has not bothered me.

With things like this happening you don't need everyday abuse. The shock of each event is enough to keep your head messed up forever. I live a very good life today but I am still broken today and nothing can replace or repair these horror memories.

Great jan, my heart also goes to you and what you have endured with your father. You know, if you find it sometimes that you can't handle life's challenging ways or certain people, you can always turn to the Lord and if that isn't enough, there's always group therapists that can understand you better and ease your pains. I wish you well as well and may you be blessed. You know I tend to have more strength when I am put down or feel stepped all over by people. I say this sentence to myself and it gives me strength: "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." Say it a few times and you will have the strength.

[Crimson Glow]

Re: Domestic abuse in Armenian culture

I appreciate the comments, but really, I didn't start this thread to earn sympathy, OR praise, or make this about me. My bigger concern is tackling the subject of just how common is this in Armenian households. There are varying degrees of abuse, and obviously I don't expect all stories to be as severe as mine, but nonetheless, I believe there are plenty of instances that go beyond "normal discipline" in our culture, as TheGreat attested to (thanks for sharing that, BTW).

I feel very bad and I am sorry for what you have gone through and for your sisters Glow, but you are in my eyes now a heroic man. You have become a great provider for your sisters and turned out to be basically a great guy.

It is very unfortunate but I have heard also abusive but somewhat different stories from some other friends. It's horrible when a young person has to go through this much of abuse and the abusive person isn't punished. It's downright criminal.

Again Glow, I am so proud of you and how you came out to be a wonderful person. Not ontly for yourself; but for your siblings too. God bless you!

As much as I appreciate the warm and fuzzy words of kindness, you don't really know me to know whether I'm a "wonderful person", or not. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of most of those comments. I'm hardly a hero. I did what I could for the younger of my 2 younger sisters, but it's not like she wouldn't have made it on her own one way or another anyway. She's as resourceful as me. She would have found a way. The older of the 2.....long story, but I gave up on her long ago. I'm also full of rage, just like my father (thus "crimson -a shade of red- glow"), though my rage is more a result of overzealous self-righteousness, and a lack of patience for "the unthinking majority".

I'd like to point out that many immigrant families have these issues because they are forced to uproot their lives for the promise of a better life and in turn many end up having to inherit a whole new slew of problems while becoming slave laborers in their new country. This is in no way a phenomenon to any one culture.

I certainly wasn't claiming it was a phenomenon unique to Armenian culture. In fact, it's pretty common in many Western cultures. My gripe was with some Armenians claiming that this is NOT common in our culture. BTW, I think it has very little to do with promises of better life not coming through. This is common amongst those same ethnicities in any nation, including their own/back home. I think it has a lot more to do with old world views where the male figure is allowed to be the aggressor, and tell his family to STFU and follow orders, or else. It's perfectly acceptable in many Western cultures for fathers to get their aggressions out this way. Notice how in TheGreat's story, the other members of the family didn't do anything to help him, or stop the situation. It's just the norm.

[Ideology]

Re: Domestic abuse in Armenian culture

I would like to personally thank you for posting your story and exposing a truth in our community. I have personally heard many horror stories of abusive parents, (both male and female) who are ruining their children's futures and have already destroyed their entire childhood. Parents who are involved in domestic abuse, both verbally, physically, and emotionally should be imprisoned. The long term affects of the abuse on the mind is tremendous and needs real psychological treatment for most who are affected by this. From all the stories I have heard, parents who are afraid of the law are resorting to psychological terror. They are pretty much using fear as a weapon to destroy their own children. How is this possible? How can parents be so cruel? Will they be happy if they rip your heart out? How low can they go? This post in itself will give hope and encouragement to those who are too scared to talk. I personally know a lot of people who have these problems and are suffering immensely. Their motivation and courage stay at an all time low. They've been beaten down to nothing and can't stand up for themselves anymore. To have found a speck of courage and built it up to the responsible man you have become is very admirable. Exposure of this enormous problem is the first step in solving domestic abuse. I am very glad to see someone courageous enough to first stand up for themselves and 2nd to expose the truth. This is very important for the progress of creating healthy environments for future kids and families. It is important to have a loving and understanding relationship with kids while imposing discipline in a healthy, productive manner. I wish you well.

[KanadaHye]

Re: Domestic abuse in Armenian culture

I certainly wasn't claiming it was a phenomenon unique to Armenian culture. In fact, it's pretty common in many Western cultures. My gripe was with some Armenians claiming that this is NOT common in our culture. BTW, I think it has very little to do with promises of better life not coming through. This is common amongst those same ethnicities in any nation, including their own/back home. I think it has a lot more to do with old world views where the male figure is allowed to be the aggressor, and tell his family to STFU and follow orders, or else. It's perfectly acceptable in many Western cultures for fathers to get their aggressions out this way. Notice how in TheGreat's story, the other members of the family didn't do anything to help him, or stop the situation. It's just the norm.

I've had this conversation with a lot of people from different backgrounds and every one that HAD a father growing up after the WWII era got their butt beat. Granted there is a line between punishment and abuse but many parents resorted to some pretty creative tactics (I've heard a lot of interesting stories especially from the african american communities). There are definitely some kids that need discipline but the question is what is and what isn't acceptable. We were so afraid of our father growing up that all he had to do was get that look of anger like the incredible hulk and raise his voice and that would be the end of it. Discipline starts at a young age, you can't let your kids control you because as little as they look, they have their ways. I just learned to stay out of my dad's way when he got angry because it was like dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. This rage would take over and you just knew to keep your distance. I think we all have the ability to lose our temper and perhaps their generation experienced things that made them more prone to being dictatorial. I definitely can't remember ever being hit directly but there were many times where I was scared to death. Verbal abuse was and still is his way of getting a point across. Very, very, very easily tempered. I'm just afraid I have the same temper but it hasn't been put to the test .

[Anoush]

Re: Domestic abuse in Armenian culture

As much as I appreciate the warm and fuzzy words of kindness, you don't really know me to know whether I'm a "wonderful person", or not. I'm afraid I'm not worthy of most of those comments. I'm hardly a hero. I did what I could for the younger of my 2 younger sisters, but it's not like she wouldn't have made it on her own one way or another anyway. She's as resourceful as me. She would have found a way. The older of the 2.....long story, but I gave up on her long ago. I'm also full of rage, just like my father (thus "crimson -a shade of red- glow"), though my rage is more a result of overzealous self-righteousness, and a lack of patience for "the unthinking majority".

Naturally my heart goes for any one going through so much abuse at any age but especially at a young age. I also appreciate your other views and comments on the forum previous to this post and perhaps that's also the reason why I used the word 'wonderful'.

I think that the men in RA are a great deal more abusive than the Armenian men in Diaspora. The men in RA still act like the older generation of Armenian men when they were at all times the King of the house and you couldn't raise your opinions, much less argue or have discussions with them. In the States for instance, there are a good deal of domestic abuse cases, criminality towards wives or children and you often hear it in the news. It's not just in RA but everywhere, all over the world. You hear more killings towards their wives from 'odar' non-Armenian men. But you only hear abusiveness and hot-bloodedness from the men in RA.