Just to type...

[Arvestaked]

I was painting...
Now I am pining.

[Arvestaked]

The Austrian movie I saw, Dog Days, was disappointing. It was a naive film with too much nudity and sexuality. It was an interesting concept but was not developed well and it felt unoriginal. I find it ironic that I saw it when I did because I had a lengthy discussion with my father the night before about how I usually dislike nudity and sexuality in movies. I feel that a majority of the time it is completely unnecessary and that the purpose is just to have nudity and sexuality. I am not religious, nor am I prude. But as one who appreciates art for art's sake, I tend to find certain elements disrespectful to a given genre; often similar to an insult to intelligence. And this goes beyond my qualms about the Hollywood formula: film, film, film, sex scene, film, film, film. In Hollywood, a big flashing red neon light appears that says "This is the scene you were expecting!" and when that five minutes of marketing is over then the mediocre film continues. But I am not even talking about that. It is more subtle but equally unacceptable. Nudity and sexuality had its time and place in cinema when mass morals were fence sitting and the integrity of censorship was in question. At that time people needed to express that art was amoral, which I agree with. But now that it is more or less acceptable, artistically, it needs to be applied far more carefully than it is. Very few modern directors are able to pull it off in an acceptable way. David Lynch succeeds in his films: for example Mulholland Dr. A person with my philosphy can argue that Peter Greenaway does as well. Also Egoyan and Cronenberg do it well. But I was even upset with Stanley Kubrick for the scene in Eyes Wide Shut, and though it was not flagrantly unacceptable in my eyes, I am glad that it was editted, and I never want a film to be adjusted from the directors vision.

[Arvestaked]

I am extremely hungry right now but I cannot eat until 12:30. That is when we have an office lunch in celebration of someone's birthday. I watched Stevie Ray Vaughn concert on DVD last night. God damn that guy is good. I also watched my new Naked Lunch Criterion DVD. Excellent. I will probably start with the extras tonight. Commentary, most likely. I still hate my job. Last night, D. pissed me off. I hate it when people make me feel guilty for having certain luxuries. And I am dead tired of people misunderstanding what I say or taking what I say out of context. It is irritating. So it looks like I will not be getting my Bolex as planned because D. is getting kicked out of his apartment at the end of February and is relying on me to get an apartment with him. This means that, not only will I not be able to get the Bolex, but I cannot get a computer and a gun either. And all of that means that my film will not get made any time soon and that I have to dream about making a film for another year (maybe more) and that it will not make the ARPA Film Festival this year. xxxx. Dreaming is a xxxxx.

[Arvestaked]

While drinking this dirt coffee, I have been picturing myself hugging someone I care. Someone without a face.

[Arvestaked]

More bad coffee. I am also eating a salad with a balsamic vinaigrette. A little story...There once was a boy who went in search of a box he did not understand. Then he met Venus and she took the boys head and led him up a mountain. And on the mountain she said "This is my home" and gave him the box and he was happy. The boy played with the box and its contents everyday while Venus watch and smiled. Then one day, Venus got up took the box abruptly, and left. The boy tried to chase her but no matter how fast re ran the road in front of him got longer and longer. And Venus got farther and farther away. And until now, the boy only smiles when he closes his eyes and imagines having the box as his friend.

[Arvestaked]

This is good. I am having a cup of very good mint flavored hot chocolate. I am thoroughly enjoying it. I don not want to work; instead I would like to sit on a couch in a romantic setting and watch disturbing movie. Speaking of movies, I love "Groundhog Day" and I love Bill Murray. I saw it an television yesterday and it made me feel real good.

"Ned!" *punch*
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!
Good stuff.

The white shirt I am wearing does not fit the way I would like it to. The other one is better. This one is too baggy on the bottom and looks funny when it is not tucked, which, right now, it is not. The other one is much better. It looks good when it is not tucked in. They both belonged to my grandfather. I miss him. I wonder whether I can get through all of my new DVDs in a weeks time.

[Arvestaked]

I am now drinking French Vanilla flavor hot chocolate. Aslo, very good. All my checks and charges to my ATM card have posted except for one. My balance is $32. The outstanding check is $90. I hope it does not post tonight. I get paid tomorrow. I have been so irresponsible with my money. Stupid holidays. It took me awhile to check up on my bank account because I was afraid. Traffic was awful this morning. It took me an hour and a half to get to work. I guess that is pretty much standard. It just feels extra awful because I got used to the light traffic during the holidays. I am very hot and bothered right now. I think it is the hot chocolate.

[ckBejug]

I posted this before, and I have no idea where it went. Maybe my computer has a mind of it's own. Anyway, I wrote this because I needed to tell someone but didn't know who to burden with it, so I figured I might as well use the forum as an outlet. Aylevs chem gernar hoozvil, oorakh em hima yev goozem vor took al oorakh ellak...................

tuesday, january 11, 2004

When we were children, 7, 8, 9, 10 I used to like him.
We were friends. We'd laugh and play and pretend we were married, until we got too old for that, and too shy.

We kissed once. Probably my first kiss? We were just kids.

We'd make jokes only we understood and fall over eachother because we'd be laughing so hard.

Then we lost touch. We grew up, or tried to.

Five years later we saw each other again, WoW.
He scarred me. I thought we were in love. We thought we were in love. We hadn't even dated, or seen eachother for five years.
What did I know about love then? Age 15, 16! Love? Age 15, 16!!
The next time when I saw him I made him weep with shame.
I decided to hate him forever.

It had been years since then, how many years? Almost 4? Less? Felt like more.... When the phone call came. Damn the phone. Damn.

We held hands fifteen years ago. We were 6, 7.

Yesterday was a year to the day I got the phone call about his death.
The way I found out that he died....?
Someone called.
It was late, I had been asleep for a while.
I woke up with a start, then a smile, I thought it was someone I was hoping would call.
Smiling like a goof over some boy whose last name I don't even remember anymore, only to find out the unthinkable.

If I could describe my emotional state upon hearing what had happened, I'd say that I was wearing barbed wire inside a too tight jacket and was dragging myself by my fingertips across July asphalt as I rolled down broken glass and crab shells. No, I do not exaggerate, if anything, that is the least of how awful I felt.

Sometimes you find yourself wishing someone were dead, and then you forget about it, and then they do. You get so used to trying to remember that good person and not the damage that they did to you and you to them, and then you forget and they die on you.

He was dead.
I would never hold his hand again, or smile and remember when....

You know what I did yesterday, the day before, all this weekend?
I was in a desperate frenzy on the inside, though I remained pretty cool on the exterior. (or so I thought.... apparently I was pretty see-through to some people who kept asking me what was up.)

Oh it gets worse...
I made frantic phone calls and wrote loaded emails to my friends, almost as though I wanted to hold everyone close and then even closer.
I was a madman almost.
I felt like saying to all of them, Please, don't let go.
Please stay around. I like you. Please.
I needed some kind of assurance from all my friends that they were still there. That they would be there tomorrow, the next day.
Silly, I know, because I am always in touch with most of these people and I love them and care for them as I would members of my own family, if not more.

What else could I do. I lost the one I let go.
How many days did I sit and cry and think dear God if only he were still here I'd be happy for him, laugh with him, cry with him, watch him grow and become this incredible human being he was meant to be.
If he were here I'd do that and more. Why did it take his death to realize that all i ever wanted was the best for him? So what if we couldn't be together, I'd wish a thousand times over that he was happy with someone else, just so he'd be happy, and here.
Too many days.

One of the main reasons I value the truth as I do is because I think we all waste too much time lying to eachother to spare eachothers feelings.
Mistake. Wrong. Don't do it. Please.
I think if we're all just truthful and stop beating around the damn bush we'd realize that when we really like someone, really truly like them, all we want is for them to be happy, regardless of our own happiness.
Why is it we learn these things right when it's too late?
Why do we realize we need something, want something when it's gone?
Never again...

A voice of reason said make most of the one's you have now.
I am. I do. I will. Always. Always.

Yesterday, monday, a year to the day, I had an incredible day, it was just one of those perfect fit puzzle peices day. I felt awful about it. I smiled on the outside, and cried on the inside.
I thought why should I be so happy about realizing what I want for my future when he has no future?

A year to the day.
What the xxxx.
I am ok. I am good. I am smiling.
I am smiling one, two, three for him too.
He would want that for me.

Thanks for listening.

I'm still smiling today. I will be tomorrow too. I found reason. Life.

[PASAMONSTER]

May he, who ever he is rest in peace.

I know how it it to loose friends, hell I buried almost half a dozen.

its ok CK

[Arvestaked]

It is finally Friday. I do not feel like drinking coffee; I think I will go to the doctor to get checked out. The water cooler is broken. I want some hot chocolate but I would have to put the water in the microwave to heat it up. xxxx that. No hot chocolate. Apparently, I have a friend who's number of toes varies on a daily basis. She need to count them everyday to know just how many there are at any given time. She uses one foot to count the toes on the other foot. Fascinating. I found out this morning that I have a three day weekend. Unfortunately I cannot spend money. I need to save. Maybe I will go get buffalo wings just once. I have been meaning to try Ribs USA. E.S. has told me good things about it. I hope they are hot. I swallowed my pride and went to Hooters a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to try the wings. They are xxxxing awful. Over battered and not spicy. I ordered the 911 which is supposed to be their hottest plate of wings and I found my self adding hotsauce. I would not normally mind if the wings themselves were good but they were not. When I go to Birds I ask them to make it spicier (only one waiter actually does it for me) but it tastes so damn good that I do not mind.