Billy Mays.

[Anonymouse]

This guy is by far a god in my book. He is one of the most tactical salesman I've ever seen and a true inspiration to aspiring young tampon salesman such as me (a mild-mannered one ). Look this pic even has Billy May's autograph.

His career started with a simple invention, a WHOPPING FIVE POUND BUCKET of OxiClean.



If you've seen the infomercials you know that Billy is suave and charming and he never lies about his products, or at least you shouldn't think that. Chances are you've seen his infomericals and he always looks constipated in them and yells off the top of his lungs. If it weren't for Billy I would have never known about how the the natural power of oxygen can get rid of stains.

"Hi! Billy Mays here..."



"Woooooooood dries ouuuut" "Wooooooooood dries ouuuuut".



"I wipe my ass with brawny paper towels. My fart changes climates. I can stick my hand inside a giraffe and pull him inside out. I am a strong man. I once killed an eskimo to see if he tasted like a klondike bar"



"I only do infomercials at night, during the day I chop wood because I am a hairy strong beast of a man. I can punch the stain out of your carpet until it disappears. Women love me. I can lift the back of an SUV with my erection. I rape mothers in the back of my mini van. I have the nicest watch in the world and my shoes are reyon".



"AAAAAArrrrrrrghhhh I am a strong beast of a man. I am so constipated I haven't xxxx in ten years. You can fit a tractor into my colon, and like my young aspiring tampon salesman students, I have a body that looks like a yeti and I cant xxxx because my ass hair tangles every turd into submission. I am about to unload a redwood treeee, aaarrrrggghhhh."




[farts] ****brrrrrrrrrrrrrp****

[Andromida806]

LMAO Where in the hell do you come up with all this stuff :!:

[Anonymouse]

An IQ that would otherwise make me suicidal

[Lilya]

funny boy,, isnt he... :P

[Anonymouse]

Billy Mays is a son of a xxxxx.

Billy Mays is the father of every kid in my town.

Bill Mays once showed me a video of him making love to his wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

One time I was with Billy in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Billy goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Mays! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billmays'
... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'

He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!

His poop is used as currency in Argentina and did I mention that he sweats Gatorade?

He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!

I once saw him scissor kick Avril Lavigne.

He sheds his skin once a year

He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia.

He did 3 tours in 'Nam ( Vietnam )...... I was at a resteraunt a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Mays!

I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

His favorite movie is Rocky.

He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.

Billy Mays was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball.

Did I ever tell you about the time Billy took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Billy takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Billy yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'

Billy Mays uses tampons.

Bill Mays had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese.

He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child

They found $60 in change in his stomach.

[Lilya]

vayy... :P

[Anonymouse]

Billy drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'

They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Billy Mays talk in his sleep.

He date raped David Bowie.

He once inhaled a seagull.

The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.

It was the sight of Billy Mays' naked body that drove his dad insane.

He once had sex with a cigarette machine.

He killed a cat with a trident.

He once ate the Bible while water skiing.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!

He has dandruff the size of mice!

He jogged with a fridge on his back

Billy Mays was a 10 foot monster who slept with everyones wives! And punched them all in the face! And we loved him for it!

He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi and turtle eggs.

He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.

We once had a bachelor party for Billy. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Billy once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Billy Idol.

He has a toenail on the end of his penis.

Billy once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms.

Billy's Mays' last name used to be Billy Mayonaisse.

Did I ever tell you about the time Billy was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Billy chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews.

He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive?
He did it by entering him in the Nascar. The kid wrecked and died. Billy said it would've happened sometime.

Billys semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'

Billy still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films.

He framed Roger Rabbit.

Billy Mays is really God.

[Anonymouse]

TTT because we love Billy.

[vrej]

now this is creativity lol

your too funny anon

[Anonymouse]

I pierced my ears with a shotgun, and I have a third nipple.

Did I tell you that I, like Billy, still use my appendix?