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a collection of my finest work
A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs he
asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the
company party last night, so tell me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well, piss on him!" said the man.
"You did. He fired you." said the wife.
"Well, screw him!" said the guy.
"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."
__________________________________________________ __
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
__________________________________________________ __
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that xxxx after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
__________________________________________________ __
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to
learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the
six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw,
hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out
of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you
have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
__________________________________________________ __
THIS ONE GOES OUT TO MY CLOSE BLONDIE FRIEND ( you know who you are you coffee maker winner)
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten
were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If
that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would
perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The
blondes all applauded.
__________________________________________________ __
A kindergartener was sitting at his desk making funny faces at
anyone that would watch.
The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,
"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick
that way."
Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you
learned the hard way.
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OK WOOOOOOOOOOO that just puts a tear to my eye i only made one up ok so dont go saying you didnt make that up you liar!!!!! i got more
asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the
company party last night, so tell me what I did."
"You got in an argument with your boss."
"Well, piss on him!" said the man.
"You did. He fired you." said the wife.
"Well, screw him!" said the guy.
"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."
__________________________________________________ __
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
__________________________________________________ __
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that xxxx after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
__________________________________________________ __
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to
learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the
six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."
All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw,
hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out
of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you
have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
__________________________________________________ __
THIS ONE GOES OUT TO MY CLOSE BLONDIE FRIEND ( you know who you are you coffee maker winner)
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten
were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If
that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would
perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she
would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The
blondes all applauded.
__________________________________________________ __
A kindergartener was sitting at his desk making funny faces at
anyone that would watch.
The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,
"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick
that way."
Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess you
learned the hard way.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK WOOOOOOOOOOO that just puts a tear to my eye i only made one up ok so dont go saying you didnt make that up you liar!!!!! i got more
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