A few jokes

[Harut82]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....”

[Harut82]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael.

“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!”

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, ......just xxxxing beautiful!’”

[Harut82]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”

The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

[Harut82]

This white guy in Mississippi was driving home from the bar drunk as xxxx. He runs a stopsign and hits two black people. One guy fly's through the windshield and the other fly's about 100 feet from the vehicle.

The driver notices a cop to the side of him and thinks "xxxx, Im so dead". The white cop comes up to the window and says "dont say a word, I saw everything". The driver is scared xxxxless now. The cop points to the black guy stuck 1/2 way in the windsheild and says "were gonna get this one for breaking and entering, and the other guy for leaving the scene of an accident".

[TJ]

HAHAHA cracked up on all of them. the last one was great especially.

[NarEkoO]

ahahha the rooster xxxx is funy

[Harut82]

There are only eleven times in history when the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"-
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
Custer ,1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% am I?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1999

And the number 1 time is:

1."Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
Saddam Hussein, 2003

[Harut82]

A big, mean guy approaches the Produce Clerk demanding, "I want a half head of lettuce!"
The clerk goes to the manager and says, "Some big idiot wants a half head of lettuce..."
He looks over his shoulder and the customer is right behind him.
"...And THIS gentleman would like the other half."
After taking care of the customer, the manager says, "You're quick on your feet.
We need enterprising young people like you who can roll with the punches.
How would you like to manage one of our new locations in Canada?"
To this the young clerk replies, "Only xxxxxs and hockey players live in Canada!"
The manager responds, "My wife is Canadian!"
The young clerk replies, "And what position does she play?"

[Harut82]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.
The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"
The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep xxxx."

[Harut82]

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.

We have heard a lot about you.

I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.

Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!?

Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."