A few jokes

[Harut82]

An old man is feeling ill and goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man to come back in a week for the results.

The next week, the old man returns to the doctor's office and the doc says "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news!"

The old guy thinks it over and says, "Okay, doc, give me the worst news first."

The doctor says, "You've got cancer and there's nothing we can do for you."

"Aw xxxx, I'm gonna die!" replies the old man.

"Yes," says the doctor. "And you only have a couple weeks to live."

The old man just sits there stunned by the news. After a few minutes he says, "Well, go ahead and give me the bad news."

The doctor replies "You've also got Alzheimer's disease!"

"Whew!" replies the old man... "At least I don't have cancer."

[Harut82]

#1.)
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

#2.)
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

#3.)
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

#4.)
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

#5.)
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.' "

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[Harut82]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die.." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States; I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also a New York Senator, a potential future President and, above all, the smartest woman in the world." She grabbed the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, The Pope, says to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I don't have many years left. As a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The boy said, "It's ok, there's still a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school backpack."

[Harut82]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while."

"I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now.

He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

[Harut82]

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90.

The Hilton charges $140..

We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

[Harut82]

"I went to the store the other day,and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires.

So I called him a piece of horse xxxx.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.