What should be the parents' role in their children's romantic relationships?

[Mos]

Re: What should be the parents' role in their children's romantic relationships?

Your response to my pointing out that there might disagreement is "your parents know better"? So basically, if you disagree with your parents, you must be wrong because there wouldn't have been a disagreement otherwise. If there's a mismatch between your opinion and your parent's then you're automatically wrong because if the options are either that it's you or your parents who are wrong, it's you because your parents are older and have a different perspective than you.

No I'm not saying the parents are always right when you are wrong, but nonetheless one should heed and respect his parent's opinion/decision, especially because parents have a different perspective and probably know you better than anyone else.

[Siggie]

Re: What should be the parents' role in their children's romantic relationships?

Well others might pick up things about that person that you might not be able to. Your parents, knowing you very well, and having more experience can also pick up such things about the person...

Your response to my pointing out that there might disagreement is "your parents know better"? So basically, if you disagree with your parents, you must be wrong because there wouldn't have been a disagreement otherwise. If there's a mismatch between your opinion and your parent's then you're automatically wrong because if the options are either that it's you or your parents who are wrong, it's you because your parents are older and have a different perspective than you.

[Mos]

Re: What should be the parents' role in their children's romantic relationships?

Sometimes "bad" is a matter of opinion.

Well others might pick up things about that person that you might not be able to. Your parents, knowing you very well, and having more experience can also pick up such things about the person...

[Siggie]

Re: What should be the parents' role in their children's romantic relationships?

Sometimes "bad" is a matter of opinion.

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

Strawman! Stop doing that. It's at least the second or third time you're misrepresenting my position to make it easier to knock down. I didn't say to cut off all contact with your parents and only see them on Christmas and Thanksgiving. Being connected and keeping ties is one thing; giving your parents veto power over your relationships is quite another.

I think the decision of whom to marry should be one made with your parents after being sure that the partner is the person whom you want to marry. Parents in general are going to be rather lenient, unless the partner really has something bad in her. Parents can be good judges also, and see things that you cannot see, especially when one is enveloped with emotions.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

Why should we separate? I never understood this. We should always keep our ties with parents, keep our parents involved in our lives, live with our parents until we start a family of our own. Of course you make your own choices, but you still remain connected to your parents/family, which is very healthy.

Strawman! Stop doing that. It's at least the second or third time you're misrepresenting my position to make it easier to knock down. I didn't say to cut off all contact with your parents and only see them on Christmas and Thanksgiving. Being connected and keeping ties is one thing; giving your parents veto power over your relationships is quite another.

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

With the exception of extreme cases (abuse, drug use, etc.) it's really an unconscionable thing to do.

At some point we must separate from our parents; that level of dependency is not psychologically healthy. Autonomy.

Why should we separate? I never understood this. We should always keep our ties with parents, keep our parents involved in our lives, live with our parents until we start a family of our own. Of course you make your own choices, but you still remain connected to your parents/family, which is very healthy.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

that process of "coming around" can take years, and in some cases may not happen leading to separation from family and/or divorce. It adds unneeded tension. Both the parents and their child should be compatible with their decisions. Meaning, both should accept, not just the son/daughter. I know cases of when a friend of mine brought a girlfriend home, the parents didn't like the girl, and so my friend dumped her a while after. Because in Armenian relationships at least, dating, and all that is done with a eye towards marriage and family, not "just having fun" and so on.

If my parents outright reject my choice, I would have no choice. I would need to dissolve the relationship. Doesn't make me cold, I just think about my future and want the best for all, because in the "name of love" when you are young, and full of emotions, you will regret the decision later on, when you see all the family troubles you have and all the tension. This can often happen.

With the exception of extreme cases (abuse, drug use, etc.) it's really an unconscionable thing to do. Dictating others' decisions on whom to marry? Outrageous!

At some point we must separate from our parents; that level of dependency is not psychologically healthy. Autonomy.

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

I haven't heard of an instance yet where the parents didn't eventually come around and realize it wasn't their life and if they wanted a relationship with their son/daughter and their grandchildren, or more normal relations with the rest of the family (awkward interactions and gatherings if the other family members don't sever ties) then they need to accept the son/daughter's choices are theirs to make. I'm sure there must be some cases, but my point is, I think they're very uncommon.

I also think that it's easy to say that you would walk away. But really, you think you're going to just shrug and walk away from someone you love and otherwise want to spend the rest of your life with because mommy/daddy don't approve? I think that's really cold and I don't think you're a sociopath. And lastly, we're not talking about the arranged marriages of 10 year old children of decades past. At what point are you an adult that makes adult decisions?

that process of "coming around" can take years, and in some cases may not happen leading to separation from family and/or divorce. It adds unneeded tension. Both the parents and their child should be compatible with their decisions. Meaning, both should accept, not just the son/daughter. I know cases of when a friend of mine brought a girlfriend home, the parents didn't like the girl, and so my friend dumped her a while after. Because in Armenian relationships at least, dating, and all that is done with a eye towards marriage and family, not "just having fun" and so on.

If my parents outright reject my choice, I would have no choice. I would need to dissolve the relationship. Doesn't make me cold, I just think about my future and want the best for all, because in the "name of love" when you are young, and full of emotions, you will regret the decision later on, when you see all the family troubles you have and all the tension. This can often happen.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

Well depends on situation. If family outright doesn't approve of the partner, doesn't approve of the marriage, then really there's no point in going through with the marriage, as at that point you are making choice between family or partner. If the family is slightly disapproving, but there's room to convince/impress, with good effort you may be able to mend the relations.

I haven't heard of an instance yet where the parents didn't eventually come around and realize it wasn't their life and if they wanted a relationship with their son/daughter and their grandchildren, or more normal relations with the rest of the family (awkward interactions and gatherings if the other family members don't sever ties) then they need to accept the son/daughter's choices are theirs to make. I'm sure there must be some cases, but my point is, I think they're very uncommon.

I also think that it's easy to say that you would walk away. But really, you think you're going to just shrug and walk away from someone you love and otherwise want to spend the rest of your life with because mommy/daddy don't approve? I think that's really cold and I don't think you're a sociopath. And lastly, we're not talking about the arranged marriages of 10 year old children of decades past. At what point are you an adult that makes adult decisions?