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Views of of being an Armenian
for those married to non-Armenians
Compiled by Der Stepanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 2001
A few issues back, an article was compiled on why some Armenian men and women would prefer marrying an Armenian. Now it was befitting to ask why some Armenians married a non-Armenian. For the current article, a number of interviews were conducted with couples where only one spouse is Armenian. The interviewees included both, those where the husband is Armenian and those where the wife is Armenian. The responses were very similar. The information shared here is only the comments of the Armenian spouse, and comments shared without the presence of the non-Armenian spouse. Their comments are written from the first person singular perspective to reflect more of their expressions and presence.
When I began looking for a spouse, I was looking for an Armenian one because my grandparents and parents had always told me that I should marry an Armenian. Yet, I don’t know exactly why, but marrying an Armenian or a non-Armenian was not very high on my priority list. I was more interested in the person who is ‘good,’ ‘the right one for me,’ and ‘one I could get along with.’ So I met a lot of Armenians my age through family contacts, the Church, and cultural clubs. There were eligible young people such as myself, and some I considered for marriage. But after a number of dates, none of the relationships seemed to work out. At the same time, through school, work, and parties, I also met many non-Armenians too, but again, there were no connections there either. However, with this one person I met through an educational project, my spouse, everything seemed to work out, everything clicked! We both knew we were right for each other!
I took my future spouse to my parents like I had other dates, and of course they were very displeased. They were not offensive and did not try to put pressure on me, but still, made it clear that they did not approve. They also thought I was being foolish and not practical because I did not know what I was getting into. I must say that even though they were displeased, yet they did not stand in the way of our relationship developing. I could see that they were not as proud of me as when I had introduced Armenian dates, and they did not tell their friends about my relationship with this person. Perhaps they thought it would somehow go away. I was somewhat frustrated and perhaps offended, and felt very bad for my future spouse. But after explaining the situation, my spouse somehow understood and showed love and respect towards my parents, family, and traditions. I think that helped put my parents at ease, and made them less defensive.
Some of my friends were surprised too. They said: “Considering how involved you are in the Armenian community, we never thought you would marry a non-Armenian!” Others were just the opposite. They kept insisting: “We knew you would marry a non-Armenian!” Frankly, after a while, I stopped listening to both groups. I could not please everyone. My parents were supportive and we were going to marry in the Armenian Church, and this was good enough for me. But when all my friends came to my wedding, I admit, I was really happy to see their support.
Now we have been married a number of years, and we have children, and I must say that our marriage is a mixed blessing, but definitely a blessing! In my relationship with my spouse, I find some high points and some moments that are not so high.
As far as high points, in just a few years of marriage, I have learned a lot more about my Armenian heritage than I had during the twenty or so years prior to marriage. There were a lot of facts about being an Armenian that I had taken for granted – about our history, Church, the language, and traditions. So my spouse kept asking ‘why this?’ or ‘why that?’ Being proud of my Armenian heritage I couldn’t say ‘I don’t know.’ So I started researching and learning about the roots of our beliefs and traditions. The more I learned, the more excited I became about my heritage, and the more receptive was my spouse. I can say that perhaps I consciously learned a great deal more about my Armenian heritage than if I married an Armenian. In fact, my friends who are married with Armenians are impressed by my spouse’s knowledge of the Armenian Church, history, and even travel to Armenia. You should see their jaws dropping when they hear about the details of Armenia and the Armenian heritage that my spouse tells them!
There is something else that I am finding exciting in our relationship: I seem to have the role of introducing being an Armenian to my spouse. It is as though I am presenting the importance of being an Armenian to the rest of the world! It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to say: “We Armenians are pretty good, huh?!” I don’t know what it is, but I get goose bumps when I share with my spouse the pictures of the Armenian Churches, of Armenian authors, artists, and dancers, and of course Genocide pictures and statistics. It is like being an advocate for the Armenian people. It fills my heart!
Admittedly, there are moments when I wonder what would have happened if I married an Armenian. Yet, as the years go by, the number of times I think about this possibility, this ‘what if,’ are becoming less frequent. The difficulty comes when there is a social situation, and I say something like “Isn’t it supposed to be this way?” Then I catch myself and realize that maybe it is not so. My perspective is what I have witnessed in the Armenian community, and families from other ethnic backgrounds have different understandings. I guess the most poignant moments happen when there is something in the family and I feel that as Armenians “We know it, its second nature!” Just at that moment my spouse stares at me like “What are you talking about?” Then I realize, “Oh yes . . .”
Out of love and devotion towards me, my spouse has learned some Armenian words such as the greetings, the names of foods, and of course the word odar, and has accepted being somewhat of an outsider in the midst of an Armenian crowd. Still though, I am not as comfortable as I would want to be when I see my spouse not being accepted. My spouse has made a number of insightful suggestions at meetings and fund-raisers, and various people within the community have taken it differently. Some have welcomed it, and others have whispered in Armenian “But you know this is an odar.” These moments have hurt me, but I figured it could happen to anyone who is considered an ‘outsider’ by a group, whether that person is a non-Armenian or even an Armenian.
Raising our children presented and continues to provide the biggest challenge. My spouse and I knew that raising children in a family that has two different heritages will be a challenge, and . . . downright difficult. The difficulty is not whether we will love one another, or the children will love us. Rather, the difficulty was deciding what sort of identity should we impart on our children. In other words – who should we tell them they are! We thought a lot about ways we can keep them from getting confused or turned off from either of our heritages. The last thing we wanted to do is to raise them in a ‘cultural vacuum,’ with an attitude that they are simply human beings that have no heritage. My spouse and I have somewhat differing traditions, so directing the children to follow both traditions became awfully confusing and cumbersome. I cannot say that I have any simple answers. I must add that we did not have much help from anyone, any organization, or any institution. It seems as though people don’t want to talk about it. Fortunately we have a loving relationship, supportive families and some good friends, so we worked hard to support each other’s heritage and tried to reconcile them. It is also fortunate that the Armenian traditions go back thousands of years, so the kids know that what I say about Armenians is not just pulled out of the air. It is supported by a long proven history.
We have found a mixed bag of helpful personality characteristics in our backgrounds. On the one hand, my spouse really liked that as Armenians we emphasize respect for parents as well as love for siblings. Not only do we want our children to behave and listen to us, but we also want them to get along with each other. The kids really appreciate this and tell us that they see a difference between our family and those of others at school. Attending Armenian Church has been quite a challenge, but the kids somehow know that when they are attending the Armenian Church, something extra is expected of them. I studied our services, feasts, and saints really hard so I could teach our children. Let me tell you, it can be a full time job! On the other hand, we have adopted some personality characteristics that are not necessarily considered Armenian – such as being direct and to the point. I think such characteristics bring more sincerity, intimacy, and depth to relationships. Fortunately so far our family has not gotten into any trouble for being straight and open within the Armenian community.
In retrospect, I did not know all the challenges involved in marrying a non-Armenian before I was married. And now that I am married and have a family, I believe these challenges have made me a better Armenian including a good Christian, and helped my family embrace the Armenian community and Church, and appreciate them more fully. And perhaps, I have become a window through which non-Armenians can better see and appreciate the Armenian people!
for those married to non-Armenians
Compiled by Der Stepanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 2001
A few issues back, an article was compiled on why some Armenian men and women would prefer marrying an Armenian. Now it was befitting to ask why some Armenians married a non-Armenian. For the current article, a number of interviews were conducted with couples where only one spouse is Armenian. The interviewees included both, those where the husband is Armenian and those where the wife is Armenian. The responses were very similar. The information shared here is only the comments of the Armenian spouse, and comments shared without the presence of the non-Armenian spouse. Their comments are written from the first person singular perspective to reflect more of their expressions and presence.
When I began looking for a spouse, I was looking for an Armenian one because my grandparents and parents had always told me that I should marry an Armenian. Yet, I don’t know exactly why, but marrying an Armenian or a non-Armenian was not very high on my priority list. I was more interested in the person who is ‘good,’ ‘the right one for me,’ and ‘one I could get along with.’ So I met a lot of Armenians my age through family contacts, the Church, and cultural clubs. There were eligible young people such as myself, and some I considered for marriage. But after a number of dates, none of the relationships seemed to work out. At the same time, through school, work, and parties, I also met many non-Armenians too, but again, there were no connections there either. However, with this one person I met through an educational project, my spouse, everything seemed to work out, everything clicked! We both knew we were right for each other!
I took my future spouse to my parents like I had other dates, and of course they were very displeased. They were not offensive and did not try to put pressure on me, but still, made it clear that they did not approve. They also thought I was being foolish and not practical because I did not know what I was getting into. I must say that even though they were displeased, yet they did not stand in the way of our relationship developing. I could see that they were not as proud of me as when I had introduced Armenian dates, and they did not tell their friends about my relationship with this person. Perhaps they thought it would somehow go away. I was somewhat frustrated and perhaps offended, and felt very bad for my future spouse. But after explaining the situation, my spouse somehow understood and showed love and respect towards my parents, family, and traditions. I think that helped put my parents at ease, and made them less defensive.
Some of my friends were surprised too. They said: “Considering how involved you are in the Armenian community, we never thought you would marry a non-Armenian!” Others were just the opposite. They kept insisting: “We knew you would marry a non-Armenian!” Frankly, after a while, I stopped listening to both groups. I could not please everyone. My parents were supportive and we were going to marry in the Armenian Church, and this was good enough for me. But when all my friends came to my wedding, I admit, I was really happy to see their support.
Now we have been married a number of years, and we have children, and I must say that our marriage is a mixed blessing, but definitely a blessing! In my relationship with my spouse, I find some high points and some moments that are not so high.
As far as high points, in just a few years of marriage, I have learned a lot more about my Armenian heritage than I had during the twenty or so years prior to marriage. There were a lot of facts about being an Armenian that I had taken for granted – about our history, Church, the language, and traditions. So my spouse kept asking ‘why this?’ or ‘why that?’ Being proud of my Armenian heritage I couldn’t say ‘I don’t know.’ So I started researching and learning about the roots of our beliefs and traditions. The more I learned, the more excited I became about my heritage, and the more receptive was my spouse. I can say that perhaps I consciously learned a great deal more about my Armenian heritage than if I married an Armenian. In fact, my friends who are married with Armenians are impressed by my spouse’s knowledge of the Armenian Church, history, and even travel to Armenia. You should see their jaws dropping when they hear about the details of Armenia and the Armenian heritage that my spouse tells them!
There is something else that I am finding exciting in our relationship: I seem to have the role of introducing being an Armenian to my spouse. It is as though I am presenting the importance of being an Armenian to the rest of the world! It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to say: “We Armenians are pretty good, huh?!” I don’t know what it is, but I get goose bumps when I share with my spouse the pictures of the Armenian Churches, of Armenian authors, artists, and dancers, and of course Genocide pictures and statistics. It is like being an advocate for the Armenian people. It fills my heart!
Admittedly, there are moments when I wonder what would have happened if I married an Armenian. Yet, as the years go by, the number of times I think about this possibility, this ‘what if,’ are becoming less frequent. The difficulty comes when there is a social situation, and I say something like “Isn’t it supposed to be this way?” Then I catch myself and realize that maybe it is not so. My perspective is what I have witnessed in the Armenian community, and families from other ethnic backgrounds have different understandings. I guess the most poignant moments happen when there is something in the family and I feel that as Armenians “We know it, its second nature!” Just at that moment my spouse stares at me like “What are you talking about?” Then I realize, “Oh yes . . .”
Out of love and devotion towards me, my spouse has learned some Armenian words such as the greetings, the names of foods, and of course the word odar, and has accepted being somewhat of an outsider in the midst of an Armenian crowd. Still though, I am not as comfortable as I would want to be when I see my spouse not being accepted. My spouse has made a number of insightful suggestions at meetings and fund-raisers, and various people within the community have taken it differently. Some have welcomed it, and others have whispered in Armenian “But you know this is an odar.” These moments have hurt me, but I figured it could happen to anyone who is considered an ‘outsider’ by a group, whether that person is a non-Armenian or even an Armenian.
Raising our children presented and continues to provide the biggest challenge. My spouse and I knew that raising children in a family that has two different heritages will be a challenge, and . . . downright difficult. The difficulty is not whether we will love one another, or the children will love us. Rather, the difficulty was deciding what sort of identity should we impart on our children. In other words – who should we tell them they are! We thought a lot about ways we can keep them from getting confused or turned off from either of our heritages. The last thing we wanted to do is to raise them in a ‘cultural vacuum,’ with an attitude that they are simply human beings that have no heritage. My spouse and I have somewhat differing traditions, so directing the children to follow both traditions became awfully confusing and cumbersome. I cannot say that I have any simple answers. I must add that we did not have much help from anyone, any organization, or any institution. It seems as though people don’t want to talk about it. Fortunately we have a loving relationship, supportive families and some good friends, so we worked hard to support each other’s heritage and tried to reconcile them. It is also fortunate that the Armenian traditions go back thousands of years, so the kids know that what I say about Armenians is not just pulled out of the air. It is supported by a long proven history.
We have found a mixed bag of helpful personality characteristics in our backgrounds. On the one hand, my spouse really liked that as Armenians we emphasize respect for parents as well as love for siblings. Not only do we want our children to behave and listen to us, but we also want them to get along with each other. The kids really appreciate this and tell us that they see a difference between our family and those of others at school. Attending Armenian Church has been quite a challenge, but the kids somehow know that when they are attending the Armenian Church, something extra is expected of them. I studied our services, feasts, and saints really hard so I could teach our children. Let me tell you, it can be a full time job! On the other hand, we have adopted some personality characteristics that are not necessarily considered Armenian – such as being direct and to the point. I think such characteristics bring more sincerity, intimacy, and depth to relationships. Fortunately so far our family has not gotten into any trouble for being straight and open within the Armenian community.
In retrospect, I did not know all the challenges involved in marrying a non-Armenian before I was married. And now that I am married and have a family, I believe these challenges have made me a better Armenian including a good Christian, and helped my family embrace the Armenian community and Church, and appreciate them more fully. And perhaps, I have become a window through which non-Armenians can better see and appreciate the Armenian people!
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