Are You Currently In A Relationship?

[Anahita]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

I can't. She's with some other guy... If I had the chance to, I would, but at the same time, I'm finishing school and after my conservatory exam and recital for the piano, I'll have the summer to count on my buddies for some partying, so I can meet new people. It's not the same as being with my ex-gf who is pretty much the best friend I have (although I've been seeing her a lot less the past few months due to her work schedule and my school schedule), but I have to move on I guess.

So long as you do no harm, you should do what is best for you sweetie. [hugs]

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A bit off subtopic: 'Let's give them something to talk about. How about love.'

[jgk3]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

I can't. She's with some other guy... If I had the chance to, I would, but at the same time, I'm finishing school and after my conservatory exam and recital for the piano, I'll have the summer to count on my buddies for some partying, so I can meet new people. It's not the same as being with my ex-gf who is pretty much the best friend I have (although I've been seeing her a lot less the past few months due to her work schedule and my school schedule), but I have to move on I guess.

[Anahita]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

Maybe that link will help someone else in a similar position. Are you thinking about getting back with your ex-gf?

[jgk3]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

thanks for the help... I don't think that link helps me out though, I live in Canada.

I guess there was a degree of stress and tension between my ex-gf when we were trying to be intimate, and that did cause a lot of problems... I've said things to her now that I'm not with her anymore, that have brought me closer to her, and actually made me appreciate her more than I could've realized if I still had her andshe's also gotten a lot of things off her chest too that she could not have done prior to breaking up with me. I think if we were both single again and had some sexual intimacy again, it would be a lot better (not that it wasn't good before, but still).

My current environment seems very homophobic, at the Cegep as well as with my current friends... Only my ex-gf knows about my curiousity, and at the time, it generated a wedge in our relationship, but now that we've talked it over from a different point of view, I don't think it would do such a thing anymore. I don't mind my current environment, it doesn't stress me out, but I lack the information I need to move on and understand myself.

[Anahita]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

jgk3, I would suggest thinking about joining a Gay/Straight Alliance group in your area (or see http://www.gsanetwork.org/ for example). There you will be able to talk about what you are feeling with people who have likely gone through similar experiences, sort out how you feel and meet new people (gay, straight and bisexual). I think the most important of those is likely having a supportive (and non-homophobic) community of people around you.

I believe intimacy (sexual and other physical intimacy) definitely gets better with time (i.e., as love, trust and general comfort grows). In general I think a higher the level of understanding, trust and comfort reduces feelings of inhibition, nervousness, self-consciousness, and other things that can take away from two people fully enjoying being together. Plus, with more time both partners can learn what the other person loves. Great sex has lots to do with great friendships, I think.

[jgk3]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

I can’t speak for all girls and women, but I think many times females ‘want to talk’ (with their boyfriend, dad, brother, other guy) to get their ‘feelings out.’ Many men I know interpret this as a request for problem solving instead of a caring ear. If in question, I think men should ask.

I've noticed this... It creates some serious unhealthy divisions between people. A father daughter relationship for example, where there is a communication breech, can be very distressing. Sure if the father's supportive financially and all, things are good, but family is more than that, family is where we should be able to vent out and talk very personally about ourselves, as this strengthens the bond and this kind of backing is one of the greatest things one can possibly have in life. You can lose your girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, teacher, etc... But you're born with your family. It's very unfortunate when we lack a family, or have a highly disfunctional family with no hope.

The whole "problem solving" approach is too litteral, to mechanical... Human life is not like that... Emotions are not like that, and that's where things go wrong with that entire approach. That is why so many of us have forgotten compassion.

[jgk3]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

Well, I really did enjoy the sexual and just friendly intimacy I've had with my ex-gf... I don't like the fact that the sexual part has been discontinued, as the knowledge of her being with this other guy made me go through a pain I've never really gone through before... It was only at this point that I realized I took her for granted this whole time.

As for sexuality, I am very inexperienced and really don't have a clear position on my sexual orientation that I can tell others, but the social label of bisexual seems the most accessible to me anyhow, as I've talked to some and they seem to be able to relate to me... In any case, I do not find these labels too important, they're just for convenience sake.

I've experienced times where I "thought" I was attracted to men, but had no way of acting on it, and developped techniques which cut the potential for me to develop stronger feelings for them, short, as they were inappropriate in this madly heterosexual environment that doesn't even support non-sexual male intimacy. I am currently trying to let these potentials return, and now that I'm single, I'm free to act on them... I guess I'm interested in experimenting, I'm still just 17. I've read all kinds of reports on sexual phenomenons and find it very interesting, I've listened to many examples of relationships and I continue to have an open mind on the subject, but I need some experience, you know, just for myself, to equilibriate my knowledge.

I've gone through my fair share of stress and worry over my sexuality in the past... I've had moments where I could've broken down, because I would not be accepted for who I was, and later on would realize, I still don't know who I am, there's a possibility that I've been a hetero the whole time. Yet my experience as someone in the shoes of a sexually curious person who tries to make sense of all human relationships, I will never regret.

[Sip]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

You can think of sex like basketball .... do you really think you are going to make that 3 pointer the first time you try it? How about the 10th time?

But trying to define your whole male/female/bisexuality etc ONLY through sex is a horrible idea. Sex is a great thing but it should not define who you are and it should not be the central thing in your life.

If you are attracted to men, that's a different issue. But just because you don't enjoy sex with a specific woman, doesn't make you any less "male". There is a LOT of attention put by our culture on sex so I understand how it can seem like such a huge deal and cause so much stress and worry. But you have to somehow filter that cultural glorification of sex and focus on the intimacy part rather than the sheer mechanics. If you really enjoy being with your girlfriend, I don't see how you wouldn't enjoy sex .... after all, you are still with your girlfriend.

Also I don't think it's a good idea to mix and confuse dominant/submissive and male/female qualities. Those are mostly social attributes and not necessarily all that biological. Sure males can be more aggressive, less sensitive, faaaaaar less emotional, etc than women, but a lot of that behavior is also learned and can vary greatly from culture to culture. Heck even just sexually, some guys get their jollies from being tied up and whipped around by some woman. Sure

[Anahita]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

I think you make some great points. Most cultures teach men to suppress their ‘feminine’ qualities (which are actually human qualities that have been compartmentalized and labeled feminine). I find that not only quite sad, but also dangerous. (Look at where suppression of compassion, love, empathy, and similar gets us.) Men who begin to acknowledge this part of themselves could easily start to question their sexuality. Some might really be sexually attracted to men (that’s fine too), but others might just be in a struggle with what they’ve learned (wrongly) about what it means to ‘be a man.’ I believe when men feel an intimate bond with other men that is a good thing—that doesn’t have to be confused with sexual attraction (unless there is that attraction). I wonder how many men have male friends with whom they could literally break down and cry on their shoulder. I am for any kind of honest and loving relationship—gay, straight, friendship, etc. I’ve seen some terrible suffering and deception (cheating, etc.) that some my gay male friends have experienced (so that twisted part of some relationships unfortunately is everywhere).

It could be because feminine people use more foresight on all the negative consequences and complications that may occur if they speak out their true feelings. They don't feel safe talking about them, especially if it's with someone who gives bold answers that lack empathy.

I think that seems accurate for many women. I was thinking about some married couples I know with the questions about the woman not saying what she wants and being upset with the man not knowing what she wants (but she expects that he ‘should know’...)

I can’t speak for all girls and women, but I think many times females ‘want to talk’ (with their boyfriend, dad, brother, other guy) to get their ‘feelings out.’ Many men I know interpret this as a request for problem solving instead of a caring ear. If in question, I think men should ask.

[jgk3]

Re: Are You Currently In A Relationship?

What are the differences? What is similar? Why don't women just say what they think! Why can't men be more understanding? If women don't say, how do they expect men to be understanding? etc...

I've had a long struggle trying to explore my sexuality, and it continues to this day. In the early stages of our relationship, I was quite shocked that my expectations of what it would feel like to be with a girl were far from what I was feeling with her... I felt almost nothing, and gradually, as things got more sexual, things got better. Yet that initial period of "what the xxxx? I feel nothing" sparked some insecurities about how "straight" I was.

Afrer a thorough analysis over several months, I believe there's a great chance I'm bisexual, but I've yet to have tried anything with a guy, and there's no rush. Yet this bisexuality of mine I do not beat myself up for, I am actually quite happy that I'm able to inquire on both manliness and womanliness with some intuition (whether or not I'm successful is besides the point).

Women don't always say what they think... Ok, I'm gonna play a hit or miss game, just to get the ball rolling. You guys can disagree with what I have to say and post your ideas too. :

It could be because feminine people use more foresight on all the negative consequences and complications that may occur if they speak out their true feelings. They don't feel safe talking about them, especially if it's with someone who gives bold answers that lack empathy. They want a sense of security instead, so that they can speak their mind without being judged. They want some sympathy when they're being held in someone's arms, and when they meet someone who they identify as one who's going through emotional pain they can relate to, they want to show care to them too, and will speak intimate words to them and give them hugs, because they know how painful it can be to bottle up all this tension inside of them.

This is a state of mind, not all women are feminine, there's some play with how we fluctate between these states of mind. Men can fluctate to gain these states of mind too when they are in a vulnerable position and their manliness cannot bail them out of it.

Now for men... K, now I have to fluctate back into this state of mind so I can try writing about it...

Masculine are not always understanding, especially to feminine people because they find strength through their boldness and rash humor, and very importantly, their highly competitive spirit. They feel that listening to all these feelings is not productive for them, especially after they offer their highly inapplicable manly advice that fails to satisfy the woman. This manly advice can involve taking in the pain, thinking of practical solutions and even just having sex with them... If you compare this advice to the section I wrote on femininity, you can see the problems... What kind of advice is taking them pain, when all you've been doing for the longest time is bottling it up inside of you? How can you think of practical solutions when you're lost in your troubles and need a hand to get you back up on your feet? How can you have sex with someone before forgiving them for giving such terrible and inconsiderate advice! Then the men say, wow, I don't get women... They're so difficult.

I'm sure I just wrote a very cliche type of thing, cuz this has been done countless times by many comedians, but like I said, it gets the ball rolling.

Now, I think these are extremes, the stereotypical idea we get with men and women are not really a good model for us, but we tend to fall somewhere inbetween these two positions... There are positions outside this spectrum that are unisex in the strictest sense, but we won't get into that.