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There is no better time to head to the mall and saddle your shop straps and shopping hooves than now, because it's Christmas! Aside from giving us cars, electricity, interweb, capitalism has gone on to give us "Christmas Shopping", one of the most important documents evar written in the history of mankind by Santa Clothes, an even more important document than the Treaty of Westphalia, the Ten Commandments, and Dianetics ( contrary to 'official history' gift giving was NOT based on the idea of the three wise men giving gifts because Jesus was born, that is a lie the matrix feeds you ). With all this in mind, tis the season to show how much you care for other people by going out and purchasing electronic gifts from Radio Shack ( we have a forumer who can help you with that ) or wool sweaters from Express or Banana Republic ( no not those gleeful Latin American regimes brought to power by the CIA to fullfill Jesus' prophecy of democracy on earth, but the actual chain store ), made by Chinese slave labor elves ( because Santa Clothes doesn't just hire white elves because he believes in affirmative action especially around the holidays ). I know that some of you have delayed your Christmas shopping not becuase you are like me and don't like getting anyone gifts but also, because like me, you are strapped for cash because the economy is the worst that its ever been, particularly since the economy is invariably the worst that its ever been thanks to objective journalism like CNN who selflessly dedicates their time to informing us of the bad economic news, as well as good shopping deals. However, not to worry, for this is designed to give you some tips on nice presents you can get for people without spending all that much money ( or any money for that matter ).
Empty Gatorade bottle
This gift isn't much but it does a wonderful job of showing someone you care whether a friend or foe ( because the holidays are a time for giving ). They can use it for many wonderful yet recreational activities such as filling it with urine, or sand if they prefer. If they happen to fill it with urine they can then proceed to present it as an authentic gatorade bottle filled with the Citrus flavor gatorade which will provide hours of laffter. If they fill it up with sand well, sand is sand, and it's good stuff if you might use it as a weapon to blind someone in case you are threatened with rape or approached by someone you hate.
Artwork
It's always an easy way out of the gift recession to find some foil whether around the house or stolen, because nothing smells more of love than a thoughtful gift of art ( especially foil that was used to wrap someones salami lunch ). You can manipulate the foil and use your imagination to make many things out of it and call it art, and thus not worry about a gift for the folks as nothing means 'love' more than a thoughtful piece of art. The side effects of this might involve your folks calling you over on random days and random times and ask you to explain what it is that they are doing, sadly you will make something up because who cares.
For the girlfriend
If you really want to impress your girlfriend the artwork must be really creative and thus cannot be your run of the mill type of "foil"iage of an artwork as previously noted. This requires some special effort ( not that much ) as it requires either tampons ( stolen or bought if you can afford them ) or used tampons ( in which case you probably very thoroughly searched the dumpster ). When you have the tampons you can then proceed to create one of the mysterious sites of antiquity such as Stonehenge which for a brief period of time was Santy Closet's secret location and factory where he put elves to work because he was temporarily dislocated by the war known as "The 20th Century" one of the worst battles mankind has had to face ( thus Christmas shopping and productivity have had to grow exponentially to meet with the desperate demands that have increased because of this big war which is still not over in the 21st century ).
If you are still having trouble with a gift for your parents or friends my suggestion is to steal something from them such as their keys, or the wallet or one of the rims on their car, or toothbrush, hell even the pillows if you want to REALLY piss em off. Then you can give that as a gift and tell your story of how you hunted down the thief and beat him/her to a bloody pulp and retrieved their possession. Needless to say, the amount of joy this will bring to either your folks or friends is only rivaled by the skillfull use of amphetamines as demosntrated by omniscient earlier in another thread. So if you have any good gift suggestions or deals please feel free to share. Remember, it isn't just thoughtful it's also supposed to be cheap (a very good word I like, which has acquired pejorative meaning in this age ).
Empty Gatorade bottle
This gift isn't much but it does a wonderful job of showing someone you care whether a friend or foe ( because the holidays are a time for giving ). They can use it for many wonderful yet recreational activities such as filling it with urine, or sand if they prefer. If they happen to fill it with urine they can then proceed to present it as an authentic gatorade bottle filled with the Citrus flavor gatorade which will provide hours of laffter. If they fill it up with sand well, sand is sand, and it's good stuff if you might use it as a weapon to blind someone in case you are threatened with rape or approached by someone you hate.
Artwork
It's always an easy way out of the gift recession to find some foil whether around the house or stolen, because nothing smells more of love than a thoughtful gift of art ( especially foil that was used to wrap someones salami lunch ). You can manipulate the foil and use your imagination to make many things out of it and call it art, and thus not worry about a gift for the folks as nothing means 'love' more than a thoughtful piece of art. The side effects of this might involve your folks calling you over on random days and random times and ask you to explain what it is that they are doing, sadly you will make something up because who cares.
For the girlfriend
If you really want to impress your girlfriend the artwork must be really creative and thus cannot be your run of the mill type of "foil"iage of an artwork as previously noted. This requires some special effort ( not that much ) as it requires either tampons ( stolen or bought if you can afford them ) or used tampons ( in which case you probably very thoroughly searched the dumpster ). When you have the tampons you can then proceed to create one of the mysterious sites of antiquity such as Stonehenge which for a brief period of time was Santy Closet's secret location and factory where he put elves to work because he was temporarily dislocated by the war known as "The 20th Century" one of the worst battles mankind has had to face ( thus Christmas shopping and productivity have had to grow exponentially to meet with the desperate demands that have increased because of this big war which is still not over in the 21st century ).
If you are still having trouble with a gift for your parents or friends my suggestion is to steal something from them such as their keys, or the wallet or one of the rims on their car, or toothbrush, hell even the pillows if you want to REALLY piss em off. Then you can give that as a gift and tell your story of how you hunted down the thief and beat him/her to a bloody pulp and retrieved their possession. Needless to say, the amount of joy this will bring to either your folks or friends is only rivaled by the skillfull use of amphetamines as demosntrated by omniscient earlier in another thread. So if you have any good gift suggestions or deals please feel free to share. Remember, it isn't just thoughtful it's also supposed to be cheap (a very good word I like, which has acquired pejorative meaning in this age ).
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