What should be the parents' role in their children's romantic relationships?

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

I didn't bring those ones home to meet the parents

If you wouldn't even take them home, then clearly you'd be in agreement with your parents. I'm asking about a hypothetical situation.

[KanadaHye]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

If you wouldn't even take them home, then clearly you'd be in agreement with your parents. I'm asking about a hypothetical situation.

Life is about playing with the cards that you are dealt with. I suppose I should be grateful that I wasn't born to hippies that were higher than a kite during conception even though I'm in the minority

Parents who generally did a good job of parenting usually end up with kids that make good decisions. If your parents disagree with who you wish to marry, then I guess you're going down that road alone since it's unlikely that you'll have their unconditional support when the going gets tough.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

Life is about playing with the cards that you are dealt with. I suppose I should be grateful that I wasn't born to hippies that were higher than a kite during conception even though I'm in the minority

Parents who generally did a good job of parenting usually end up with kids that make good decisions. If your parents disagree with who you wish to marry, then I guess you're going down that road alone since it's unlikely that you'll have their unconditional support when the going gets tough.

I agree with you. If the parents are confident in the job of parenting they've done, then they should feel their children are capable of deciding what is best for themselves.

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

That may very well be, but one's own happiness with their partner is more important one's mother's or father's satisfaction with their partner. After all, whom is it that will be living with them, building a life with them, raising children with them, etc.? Not the parents.

Of course it's important to have happiness/connection with your partner, but your partner's family is going to become part of your life, going to become your family. Many marriages fall apart because people don't realise that marriage is also union between the two families. This is especially important if you are going to live with your husband's parents or they going to be very nearby.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

Of course it's important to have happiness/connection with your partner, but your partner's family is going to become part of your life, going to become your family. Many marriages fall apart because people don't realise that marriage is also union between the two families. This is especially important if you are going to live with your husband's parents or they going to be very nearby.

You guys are repeating a very reasonable opinion which I share with you: it's important to consider the partner's family and try to meet/get to know them prior to getting married especially if they have a close relationship with their family.

However, neither of you is addressing what ought to happen when the family doesn't approve of the partner (this is considering it from the opposite perspective of what you stated) that the son/daughter has chosen for themselves?

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

However, neither of you is addressing what ought to happen when the family doesn't approve of the partner (this is considering it from the opposite perspective of what you stated) that the son/daughter has chosen for themselves?

Well depends on situation. If family outright doesn't approve of the partner, doesn't approve of the marriage, then really there's no point in going through with the marriage, as at that point you are making choice between family or partner. If the family is slightly disapproving, but there's room to convince/impress, with good effort you may be able to mend the relations.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

Well depends on situation. If family outright doesn't approve of the partner, doesn't approve of the marriage, then really there's no point in going through with the marriage, as at that point you are making choice between family or partner. If the family is slightly disapproving, but there's room to convince/impress, with good effort you may be able to mend the relations.

I haven't heard of an instance yet where the parents didn't eventually come around and realize it wasn't their life and if they wanted a relationship with their son/daughter and their grandchildren, or more normal relations with the rest of the family (awkward interactions and gatherings if the other family members don't sever ties) then they need to accept the son/daughter's choices are theirs to make. I'm sure there must be some cases, but my point is, I think they're very uncommon.

I also think that it's easy to say that you would walk away. But really, you think you're going to just shrug and walk away from someone you love and otherwise want to spend the rest of your life with because mommy/daddy don't approve? I think that's really cold and I don't think you're a sociopath. And lastly, we're not talking about the arranged marriages of 10 year old children of decades past. At what point are you an adult that makes adult decisions?

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

I haven't heard of an instance yet where the parents didn't eventually come around and realize it wasn't their life and if they wanted a relationship with their son/daughter and their grandchildren, or more normal relations with the rest of the family (awkward interactions and gatherings if the other family members don't sever ties) then they need to accept the son/daughter's choices are theirs to make. I'm sure there must be some cases, but my point is, I think they're very uncommon.

I also think that it's easy to say that you would walk away. But really, you think you're going to just shrug and walk away from someone you love and otherwise want to spend the rest of your life with because mommy/daddy don't approve? I think that's really cold and I don't think you're a sociopath. And lastly, we're not talking about the arranged marriages of 10 year old children of decades past. At what point are you an adult that makes adult decisions?

that process of "coming around" can take years, and in some cases may not happen leading to separation from family and/or divorce. It adds unneeded tension. Both the parents and their child should be compatible with their decisions. Meaning, both should accept, not just the son/daughter. I know cases of when a friend of mine brought a girlfriend home, the parents didn't like the girl, and so my friend dumped her a while after. Because in Armenian relationships at least, dating, and all that is done with a eye towards marriage and family, not "just having fun" and so on.

If my parents outright reject my choice, I would have no choice. I would need to dissolve the relationship. Doesn't make me cold, I just think about my future and want the best for all, because in the "name of love" when you are young, and full of emotions, you will regret the decision later on, when you see all the family troubles you have and all the tension. This can often happen.

[Siggie]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

that process of "coming around" can take years, and in some cases may not happen leading to separation from family and/or divorce. It adds unneeded tension. Both the parents and their child should be compatible with their decisions. Meaning, both should accept, not just the son/daughter. I know cases of when a friend of mine brought a girlfriend home, the parents didn't like the girl, and so my friend dumped her a while after. Because in Armenian relationships at least, dating, and all that is done with a eye towards marriage and family, not "just having fun" and so on.

If my parents outright reject my choice, I would have no choice. I would need to dissolve the relationship. Doesn't make me cold, I just think about my future and want the best for all, because in the "name of love" when you are young, and full of emotions, you will regret the decision later on, when you see all the family troubles you have and all the tension. This can often happen.

With the exception of extreme cases (abuse, drug use, etc.) it's really an unconscionable thing to do. Dictating others' decisions on whom to marry? Outrageous!

At some point we must separate from our parents; that level of dependency is not psychologically healthy. Autonomy.

[Mos]

Re: Engagement Ring Finger

With the exception of extreme cases (abuse, drug use, etc.) it's really an unconscionable thing to do.

At some point we must separate from our parents; that level of dependency is not psychologically healthy. Autonomy.

Why should we separate? I never understood this. We should always keep our ties with parents, keep our parents involved in our lives, live with our parents until we start a family of our own. Of course you make your own choices, but you still remain connected to your parents/family, which is very healthy.