Theories of Love

[loseyourname]

The classic idea is that love is spontaneous and nearly effortless with the right person. Furthermore, you have no control over who you love and who you don't love.

A newer idea, expounded most fervently in The Art of Loving and more recently in The Road Less Travelled is that love is nothing of the sort. Love is a conscious act of will to do that which is loving toward a particular person, even in the absence of strong feelings, which are thought to come and go. Oftentimes, this may be counterintuitive, as is the case with tough love. Oftentimes, it might require a good deal of self-sacrifice and patience which are not characteristic of the typical passion one thinks of when one thinks of love.

So which theory do you subscribe to? I think most people would probably believe the second, at least partially, on principle. They know that making a relationship work takes a lot of effort and compromise and patience. But in the same vein, they do not practice what they preach, growing tired of people when they are comfortable with them and becoming resentful when the passion is gone.

[dstyle]

that luv she is a mothaf****a
from old school, i think i got it right

[fstkhnan]

I totally believe that we dont have control over who we love.....Iit just comes naturally!

[ckBejug]

I think it's both of those things. I am in the happy middle. You don't decide who you fall for, but when you DO fall in love with someone you have to do the work. You have to know how to compromise and give all of yourself to this person without ever expecting anything back, and never never do anything that could hurt him/her because it would be the same as hurting yourself.

That's what I think. And I will do, live, and breathe it to, when I'm in love.

[loseyourname]

There are problems with that. For one thing, it is outside of human nature to do things for a person without expecting anything in return. Furthermore, a person who loves you back should do plenty in return. Romantic love, unlike parental love or filial love, has to be a reciprocal entity. Another problem is that it is nearly impossible not to hurt someone. People who are in love with one another have a heightened sensitivity and are particularly vulnerable. I think the more important thing is to realize that you will hurt one another, but that that is only a product of the difficulty inherent in loving. Love is a process of continual growth, and you should have no expectation that things will be fine and dandy all the time. Love has a lot of wonderful qualities, but it has some rotten ones as well. All you can do is the best you can, and as Radiohead says, "the best you can is good enough."

[ckBejug]

Originally posted by loseyourname There are problems with that. For one thing, it is outside of human nature to do things for a person without expecting anything in return. Furthermore, a person who loves you back should do plenty in return. Romantic love, unlike parental love or filial love, has to be a reciprocal entity. Another problem is that it is nearly impossible not to hurt someone. People who are in love with one another have a heightened sensitivity and are particularly vulnerable. I think the more important thing is to realize that you will hurt one another, but that that is only a product of the difficulty inherent in loving. Love is a process of continual growth, and you should have no expectation that things will be fine and dandy all the time. Love has a lot of wonderful qualities, but it has some rotten ones as well. All you can do is the best you can, and as Radiohead says, "the best you can is good enough."

Myabe I am outside of human nature then. Also, I didn't say they shouldn't do anything in return, I said you give them your all not EXPECTING the world in return because to give them yourself and make them happy like that, that means the world to you anyway. As for the hurting thing, I meant you shouldn't (wouldn't, couldn't) do anything like cheat or lie... I know that sometimes when people speak things come out in a way that they didn't necessarily mean it to and they can end up hurting someone as a result, I've done it myself and felt plenty bad for it, so I know what you mean, I didn't mean honest mistakes like that.

[PASAMONSTER]

to be loved is not to know of love.

Love is the cruel unsolvable variable in the equation of life.

Forget love)) YKLT^U%RFDMGH man can;t een cuss anymore !!122r

[loseyourname]

It would appear we are coming to some form of synthesis here. The forum seems to believe that you have no control over who you will love, that it simply happens and that's the way it should be - perfectly natural. That, of course, is the act of falling in love. The act of love itself, however, we must keep separate. Loving someone is different from falling in love with someone and different still from being in love or even feeling love. The act of loving is not a feeling at all, in fact, it is an act. As such, it is under our conscious control and it does involve a great deal of willpower. We seem to have come to a general agreement that love should be altruist in nature, that we should love people while expecting nothing in return. In other words, love is virtuous in and of itself, and it should be practiced without passion or prejudice.

Is this what you are all getting at?

[dusken]

Originally posted by loseyourname The act of loving is not a feeling at all, in fact, it is an act. As such, it is under our conscious control and it does involve a great deal of willpower.

I could not agree with you less. It is a feeling that manifests itself through actions. When I was romantically involved I could not help but be. As a matter of fact, the will power comes into play when you try to separate yourself from the object of your affection. Making a relationship work and being in love are not the same thing.

[loseyourname]

Originally posted by dusken Making a relationship work and being in love are not the same thing.

Then you couldn't agree with me more. I am separated being in love from the act of loving something or someone. One need not be in love in order to love.

I quote from Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I quote from Erich Fromm:

Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving.

Beyond the element of giving, the active character of love becomes evident in the fact that it always implies certain basic elements, common to all forms of love. These are care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge.

And finally I will quote myself:

Love is vulnerability and aching, it is strength on the brink of destruction, it's a bottomless emptiness bottomed out. Love is committment and sweat, love is willingness and sacrifice, it is the height of altruism and selfishness melded into one. Love is a spark that excites every nerve ending in your skin any time a certain person's fingernail grazes the surface or anytime her smile flashes before your eyes. Love is a controlled explosion in your heart that boils your blood and swells your extremities, it is quiet and magnificent, bold and risky, and it is the only thing I live for.

Again, I must reiterate the difference that I am trying to point out here. Falling in love is an involuntarily response to a certain stimulus, be it brains, beauty, or personality. Love itself, however, is many things. One of those things is a consequence of the feeling created by the ego breakdown associated with falling in love. Another thing is completely under your control, and that is how you will choose to display your feelings. In fact, there need not be any feelings present whatsoever. Feelings are fickle; they come and go. Love is not; love stays and love is forever. Falling for someone can lead to genuine love, but the two are not the same thing.