Sexual territorialism? (?)

[loseyourname]

As for the advice: I see your point about sounding neurotic and complicating things, but you treat it as a conscious decision Ive made, when there is nothing but emotion at play here. (Ive explained this)

Should one not temper troublesome and inappropriate emotional responses?

The very reason I asked for advice is in the hopes of eliminating this issue, and it is an issue whether you validate it or not.

I acknowledge that the feelings you are having are an issue. Did it seem that I was not?

I dont think its normal to not care when youre in love with a person.

Based on what? Most people (at least every single one I've ever known) that are in love could care less that their lovers have had sexual relations in the past. It isn't exactly unexpected.

The thought makes me want to puke because its wrong, not because I have performance anxiety over something that wont happen for months anyway.

Wait a second. What exactly is wrong about having sex with a person? Especially given that he has said he was actually in love with them at the time. What did he do wrong?

I think the only reason most people now dont care is because they are hardly innocent themselves and are desensetized to pervertion, which is why I think having sex with a third party would fix this for me, but that is clearly not an option.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now having sex with a woman you are in love with is perversion? What is going on here?

I wish it were as easy as you telling me to stop feeling this way, its just not.

Hey, feel however you want. Heck, you can even feel ways you don't want. It just seems obvious to me that these feelings originate, not from nowhere, but from certain viewpoints you have that are rather archaic and naive. If you can eliminate these viewpoints, then perhaps you can eliminate the negative feelings. Of course, if you want to continue to have ridiculous responses to everyday things disrupt your love life, be my guest. Look, I know I'm being condescending, but exactly what kind of advice were you hoping for? I'm getting the impression that you just want people to agree with you and tell you that you have every right to be upset.

For years I have been abstaining from sex while masturbating almost every day. I think about sex all the time, and it drives me crazy that I cant have it.

That isn't exactly healthy, Barbi.

Anyway, here is the thing... I guess I resent him in a way for having this pleasure while I have been depriving myself. I actually feel this way about Armenian guys having sex and wanting to marry virgins in general, but I really start feeling badly when it hits so close to home.

Does this guy say that he would only marry a virgin, or that he expects his wife to be a virgin? If so, then sure, you have a right to be angry at him, as he is a hypocrite.

On the other hand, there is no justification in being mad at a person who experiences pleasure while you do not. That is simply jealousy of another kind, and it was your decision to abstain. You can't expect everybody not to express their love for another in every way nature gives allowance to.

If I cant, and I will end up feeling this way on my wedding night, then so be it, but I think I should at least give it a try... so where does that leave me? That I dont know...

If it helps, you're not exactly in a unique situation. Plenty of people resent and judge their lovers, and plenty of people suffer from neuroses that plague their love life. You seem to be taking the right course; just realize that he did nothing wrong and you love him anyway and keep on with it. You're right to say that you can't really help the way you feel, no matter how silly it may be. I get angry over stupid little things, too. You just have to acknowledge that you're being silly, and that he will be at times as well. There's no reason why it should ruin anything.

[ArmoBarbi]

Basically we make rules with double standards also, and we can, because we are Armenian!

[loseyourname]

No because this rule does not apply on your countrymen.It applies while you are having a sexual intercours only with a foreigner.


Perhaps reading my earlier post would be more helpful.

Why? Every post you've made indicates that you think the act of 'screwing' is an act of the male invading the female. Now it only applies to people that live on the other side of imaginary lines on maps?

[ArmoBarbi]

I acknowledge that the feelings you are having are an issue. Did it seem that I was not?

*I said validate, dont worry about it.


Based on what? Most people (at least every single one I've ever known) that are in love could care less that their lovers have had sexual relations in the past. It isn't exactly unexpected.

*Yes, I realize this, refer to what I said next.



Wait a second. What exactly is wrong about having sex with a person? Especially given that he has said he was actually in love with them at the time. What did he do wrong?

*Its wrong, in my opinion, to have sex outside of a relationship where a family is being created, since sex exists as a means of reproduction, not of humans "expressing their love".

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now having sex with a woman you are in love with is perversion? What is going on here?

*Refer to my previous comment.


Hey, feel however you want. Heck, you can even feel ways you don't want. It just seems obvious to me that these feelings originate, not from nowhere, but from certain viewpoints you have that are rather archaic and naive. If you can eliminate these viewpoints, then perhaps you can eliminate the negative feelings. Of course, if you want to continue to have ridiculous responses to everyday things disrupt your love life, be my guest. Look, I know I'm being condescending, but exactly what kind of advice were you hoping for? I'm getting the impression that you just want people to agree with you and tell you that you have every right to be upset.

*In a way, I do, I guess this is a part of me being silly...

That isn't exactly healthy, Barbi.

*I agree. I really wish I could handle it your way, but Im afraid my "archaic" mentality wouldnt let me look at myself in the mirror after. I dont like it either.

Does this guy say that he would only marry a virgin, or that he expects his wife to be a virgin? If so, then sure, you have a right to be angry at him, as he is a hypocrite.

*He wants to, yes, but he isnt a hypocrite since he isnt having sex till marriage now and regrets when he did before.

On the other hand, there is no justification in being mad at a person who experiences pleasure while you do not. That is simply jealousy of another kind, and it was your decision to abstain. You can't expect everybody not to express their love for another in every way nature gives allowance to.

*I see this as weak, and I really have the right after years of self control. Im sorry, I really do resent people who have premarrital sex. Its not a jealousy, although I agree that its not great....


If it helps, you're not exactly in a unique situation. Plenty of people resent and judge their lovers, and plenty of people suffer from neuroses that plague their love life. You seem to be taking the right course; just realize that he did nothing wrong and you love him anyway and keep on with it. You're right to say that you can't really help the way you feel, no matter how silly it may be. I get angry over stupid little things, too. You just have to acknowledge that you're being silly, and that he will be at times as well. There's no reason why it should ruin anything.

Youre right. Im only hurting myself and my bf with this. I guess Ill try to see myself as wrong for once lol Thanks for the honesty.

[Red Brigade]

Every post you've made indicates that you think the act of 'screwing' is an act of the male invading the female.

The topic of the thread is regarding sexual territorialism.That is why i made this comparison and because as i said in my first post, when a foreigner screws an armenian girl, for me , it is as if she is screwing my country.While when an armenian male is screwing a foreign female it is the opposite.

Now it only applies to people that live on the other side of imaginary lines on maps?

Yes.

There is no point to take this conversation so seriously.We were just joking.

[winoman]

ArmoBari - I feel for you and your perhaps unecesary pain. Louseyourname made some very good points in his post #81 on this thread and I second them. Its a shame that folks (mostly guys) have such preconcieved ideas that end up placeing such burdens on women. Its high time for women to wake up to this BS. I know that doesn't help your situation - and it is clear that you are thinking alot on all of this already - but your just going to have to work out what is right for you - but don't let others' think for you and determine how you live your life. Good luck in finding yourself and in doing what is right for you.

[ArmoBarbi]

wino, a little corny, but appreciated. thanks.

[winoman]

wino, a little corny, but appreciated. thanks.

Your welcome certainly...

[loseyourname]

There is no point to take this conversation so seriously.We were just joking.

My questions were no more serious than your answers. At least I knew you were joking (then again, you admitted as much a page back or so - I suppose I never did).

[ArmoBarbi]

Im not sure how, but I think this helped... We've talked about this recently, and some related things, and Im feeling a lot better. I dont think this will be a problem anymore. Im so happy. I was really feeling desporate. Thanks to those who helped/supported me.