Forgiveness and family

[Anonymouse]

Maybe you should give your answer and your reasons first before demanding everyone else does.

[Emil]

Originally posted by anileve Both, for both can be extremely influential factors in tarnishing an individuals soul and mind.

If that's the case, then no, you can't forgive. My parents are divorced, my idiot of a "father" never payed child support. 8 years ago I told him never to call or come to my house again. If I found out where he is now, I'll break his kneecaps with my bat.

[Anonymouse]

My family isn't the most perfect, and yes there are cracks that cannot be healed but I will forgive. Perhaps if I was in a different circumstance I would be too much in pain to forgive. When the pain outweighs the necessary goodness, I doubt anyone can find it in their heart to forgive someone that didn't love them to begin with.

[anileve]

Originally posted by Emil If that's the case, then no, you can't forgive. My parents are divorced, my idiot of a "father" never payed child support. 8 years ago I told him never to call or come to my house again. If I found out where he is now, I'll break his kneecaps with my bat.

I wouldn't blame you for feeling that way. In fact I think we give parenting almost saint like image. We grow up thinking that parents are flawless and ideal, they could never be wrong. We look up to them as our window to the exterior world of people, we build our goals based on their expectations. And then we get older and realize that they are regular people and what's more is that we see that they are often very indecent people.

So no, I don't believe in forgiveness. A cruel and mean spirited individual should not be forgiven simply because he/she carries your blood or helped in the creation. They are regular people and should be respectful and loving like any other important person in your life. And if it isn't so, a chromosome inheritance is not strong enough to wipe out the corruption.

The only problem I have is that subconsciously we still feel the void in our lives and wish the situation is different. Plus there is always that terrible risk of regret and self hatred, if the parent passes away and you have cast them away from your life. How do you deal with that regret? Is it something that is inevitable?

Basically you are left with 2 choices, either make amends and swallow pain and cruelty for the rest of their life or shun them from your life and suffer the consequences of regret? What do you think is the better path?
============

Anon, don't tell me what to do!

[Emil]

Originally posted by anileve

The only problem I have is that subconsciously we still feel the void in our lives and wish the situation is different. Plus there is always that terrible risk of regret and self hatred, if the parent passes away and you have cast them away from your life. How do you deal with that regret? Is it something that is inevitable?

Basically you are left with 2 choices, either make amends and swallow pain and cruelty for the rest of their life or shun them from your life and suffer the consequences of regret? What do you think is the better path?

I wouldn't regret it one millisecond if that idiot dies. I'd find out when his funeral is and piss in his grave.

[Anonymouse]

Originally posted by anileve I wouldn't blame you for feeling that way. In fact I think we give parenting almost saint like image. We grow up thinking that parents are flawless and ideal, they could never be wrong. We look up to them as our window to the exterior world of people, we build our goals based on their expectations. And then we get older and realize that they are regular people and what's more is that we see that they are often very indecent people.

So no, I don't believe in forgiveness. A cruel and mean spirited individual should not be forgiven simply because he/she carries your blood or helped in the creation. They are regular people and should be respectful and loving like any other important person in your life. And if it isn't so, a chromosome inheritance is not strong enough to wipe out the corruption.

The only problem I have is that subconsciously we still feel the void in our lives and wish the situation is different. Plus there is always that terrible risk of regret and self hatred, if the parent passes away and you have cast them away from your life. How do you deal with that regret? Is it something that is inevitable?

Basically you are left with 2 choices, either make amends and swallow pain and cruelty for the rest of their life or shun them from your life and suffer the consequences of regret? What do you think is the better path?
============

Anon, don't tell me what to do!

I agree. The best we can hope for is that if we ourselves bear children that we do not repeat the same mistakes and actually use our past as a learning experience to perhaps give our children that which we were denied. My three cents.

[anileve]

Originally posted by Emil I wouldn't regret it one millisecond if that idiot dies. I'd find out when his funeral is and piss in his grave.

Emil jan, this is exactly the hate I speak of. They hurt so deeply and the pain remains embedded in us permanently. We do wish it would be different, many seek one of the parent figures in their partners or random people in their life. One of the stories I've heard is a mother being an abusive alcoholic and forcing her two very young daughters to mix drinks for her, after which she would erupt into a furious rage and strike her daughters repeatedly. That to me by human merits is impossible to envision. A person like that, allows no room for forgiveness. But that is not to say that the daughters eyes don't light up with hate and agony the moment her name is mentioned, and that is not to say that they often envy relationships of others with their mothers. Theses daughters are in their 30's, their lives were deeply affected by the childhood trauma and they have selected many wrong paths due to the inflicted torture.

As you can already guess, the relationship with their mother is non existent, and I don't think will ever be sown together. Yet they live with regret and void. They look up to their partners to fill that empty space, which could be quite dangerous. How does one deviate from the feeling?
==========

Anon you have agreed with my post, yet you didn't answer my question, which path would you chose?

[SagGal]

Re: Forgiveness and family

Originally posted by anileve Our friends often hurt us, yet we get over that pain, our children too but we understand, our relatives as well and we still get over them and often just distance ourselves without any serious detriment to our emotional condition.

This isn't so with our parents........

Our friends are not close to us as our parents. We expect more from our parents. Maybe it has to do with those parenting qualities also, that our friends can't give us.
We have the part of our parents or we are like a replica of our parents, not our friends.

Originally posted by anileve So should we really forgive our parents simply because they are our blood? Or should we free ourselves from the burden of self imposed morality and judge our parents like regular people? If they are comfortable with hurting their children, we should be just as comfortable of throwing them out of our minds and our lives.

Whether we want to or not, I don't think we can ever judge our parents like regular people. Our parents are us and a future look of how we will become, so maybe we hope for our parents to have a very good side to them, which is why someone would go searching for his/her parent(s) to find out a part of themselves.

[patlajan]

Originally posted by anileve Both, for both can be extremely influential factors in tarnishing an individuals soul and mind.

Is there something you want to tell us?

[anileve]

Originally posted by patlajan Is there something you want to tell us?

Why yes badrjan... I am glad you asked, I do want to tell you something. Stay off large quantities of Harisa, for it apparently impairs your ability to write anything more than one liners.