Post the Funniest Jokes You Know

[Zaven_Armo]

What do you call a black preist-----Holy Shyt
what you call a niger with a peg leg-----shyt on a stick
what you call one with two peg legs-----waste of wood
what you call a mexican without a lawn mower---- unemployed
what did the mexican say when the house fell on him----- get off me holmes
what you call a mexican without a car---- carlos
what you call one with a rubber toe-----roberto
why was the blondes belly button bruised---- her boyfriend was blonde too
what you call a blonde with 2 brain cells----- pregnent
what do nigers and apples have in common----they both hang from trees
why did god give mexicans noses----so they have sumin to pick in the winter
why are nigers hands and feet white---- when god sprayed them they were in the frisk position----rubs off the cops cars
JUST TELL ME WHAT KIND AND ILL TELL YOU SOME I KNOW THEM ALLL!!!!!!!!!!

[Ashuri62]

So this kid walks up to his dad and says:

"whats the difference between reality and hypothetically".

"Go ask your mom that if a stranger paid her a million $$$ would she suck his d**k" replies the dad.

So the son asks his mom this question and tells his dad:
"She said of course, a million $$$ is alot of monry"

The father replies:
"Now go ask your sister the same question."

So the kid asks his sister and she replies the same as the mom.

So the father says:
"Son, Hypothetically we could be millionares, but in reality we're living with a couple of hookers!"

*womp womp

[ArmenianKid]

a boy walks up to his dad and asks

"dad, what does a vigina look like?"

"wel son a vigina befoer sex looks like a buetifull unopened flower"

"what does it look like after sex daddy?"

"well son, have you ever seen a pitbull eat mayo?"

[Harut82]

Astonomer #1: .....so anyway the cop pulls me over and asks if I realized
that I had just run a redlight. So I said that I did not see the light as
being red, because it must have blue-shifted as i was approaching it.
Astronomer #2: And he let you go?
Astronomer #1: No. He gave me a speeding ticket intead.

[thedebutante]

haha, he should have given him another ticket as well

[Red Brigade]

Who are the smartest people in U.S.A. ?








































A:Tourists.

[Anonymouse]

Q: What did one cliche communist, say to another?


























A: Red Brigade!

[Red Brigade]

American News.
Day1. An American aircraft carrier crashed and sunk in the Atlantic ocean.
None of our men were hurt.



American News.
Day2. Yesterday our country was perfidiously attacked by China.
Battle is in progress near Beijing.

[CatWoman]

DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[crooklyn]

a white guy walks into a bar and sees a black bartender...
white guy: "hey nigger let me get two shots of vodka"
the black guy gets mad
white guy: "hey monkey I want some beer"
black guy is fuming
white guy: "hey spook i want some gin"
the black guy cant take it anymore
black guy: "you know youre a real asslicker im working here and you come in breaking my balls, what if we switched places and you were the bartender and i was the customer"
white guy: "sure"
black guy walks from behind the bar and the white guy gets in his place
black guy: "hey you kraker, honkey piece of crap can i get some malt liqour?"
white guy: "sorry we dont serve niggers here"