confused and hearth broken!

[stam11]

Hi, I am hoping that I can get your honest opinion about a serious problem of mine.
I have been with my fiancé for about 3 years now. We got engaged about a year ago, and our wedding
day was set for October of this year. He has been great to me since day one that we met. But I've always told him how important honesty is to me and that I would like to know everything there is to know about him, specially if it would concern our relationship. I always made him clear that I am not like one of those girls that when they get married and find out about the husband's hidden secrets to stick around. And that I would leave my husband no matter what. I have always asked him if he is honest with me and if there is anything he should tell me, and his answer has been that there is no secrets and I should not worry too much.
To cut the story short, during our phone conversation last week he told me that he has something important to tell me. We met the same day and he told me with tears in his eyes that he has been keeping a big secret from me all this time. He told me that about 7 years ago (when he was 20) he got married to a girl that he knew and the marriage lasted only 6 months and they got divorced right after. It was the most shocking thing that I have ever heard, I could not believe what I was hearing. How could someone kept this a secret from me all this time? I feel angry and confused. I deserved to know about this prior to our engagement so I could make a better judgment about us. I asked him what the reason was for keeping this hidden from me all this time. His explanation was that he was scared if he told me he would lose me and that he did not want to take that chance. I am angry because I feel like he is telling me now because he thinks being so close to our wedding, there is no way for me to back out, but I feel like it's never too late to make the right decision and be happy with it.
What do you guys think I should do?

[ddd]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

Do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

[stam11]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

Do you love him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Yes I do, but how can I be sure if he doesn't have any more secrets hidden from me? How can I ever trust him again, knowing how many times I have asked him that I hate secrets!

[Sip]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

I personally feel this is what engagement is for ... for both people to really think about what they are doing. I think it sucks that he didn't tell you this before. I don't even understand why something like that would be a secret unless that relationship isn't over or wasn't over before he met you.

In any case, take time and don't make any rash judegments. You are as you said, in shock. If he does in fact really want to be with you and is serious about this upcoming marriage commitment, then it's not something you want to throw out the window just to "get back" for his mistake.

Let him sweat it out too ... it was probably not easy for him to come forward now but it's a good sign that he finally did. ... I guess. But it sounds very fishy about why he didn't tell you before ... would you really have left him or not get engaged to him if you knew of this past marriage?

[One-Way]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

I understand where you're coming from. You just need to trust him when he says there are no more secrets. I know accepting his previous marriage might be tough, and might affect your final decision as to whether or not you want to still be with him, but the most important thing to think about is if you really want to be with him. Everyone keeps secrets, and I highly doubt he'll tell you everything. Can you live with that? Is that okay with you?

[TJ]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

Hi, I am hoping that I can get your honest opinion about a serious problem of mine.
I have been with my fiancé for about 3 years now. We got engaged about a year ago, and our wedding
day was set for October of this year. He has been great to me since day one that we met. But I've always told him how important honesty is to me and that I would like to know everything there is to know about him, specially if it would concern our relationship. I always made him clear that I am not like one of those girls that when they get married and find out about the husband's hidden secrets to stick around. And that I would leave my husband no matter what. I have always asked him if he is honest with me and if there is anything he should tell me, and his answer has been that there is no secrets and I should not worry too much.
To cut the story short, during our phone conversation last week he told me that he has something important to tell me. We met the same day and he told me with tears in his eyes that he has been keeping a big secret from me all this time. He told me that about 7 years ago (when he was 20) he got married to a girl that he knew and the marriage lasted only 6 months and they got divorced right after. It was the most shocking thing that I have ever heard, I could not believe what I was hearing. How could someone kept this a secret from me all this time? I feel angry and confused. I deserved to know about this prior to our engagement so I could make a better judgment about us. I asked him what the reason was for keeping this hidden from me all this time. His explanation was that he was scared if he told me he would lose me and that he did not want to take that chance. I am angry because I feel like he is telling me now because he thinks being so close to our wedding, there is no way for me to back out, but I feel like it's never too late to make the right decision and be happy with it.
What do you guys think I should do?

if he was really trying to "trap" you, dont you think he would have waited until you got married. or he could have simply never told you, and how would you have ever found out actually?

[Anonymouse]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

In any thing in life, there is always going to be risk. You cannot eliminate risk as a factor in life. Obviously the degrees of risk vary from endeavor to endeavor but marriage is a very high risk investment, so think hard, give him another chance to come clean with any other secrets, and move on that.

[Siggie]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

Seems like he felt bad enough about keeping it this long and didn't want to start your marriage with a secret like that, so he told you. If he told you that, what other secret could be afraid of telling you?
Wow... I think you just heard from nearly every regularly posting male member. I
've gotta agree with them here...


It's easy to miss that opportunity to be honest about things like that and then be stuck. He probably didn't want to tell you too early in the relationship before you got to know him maybe thinking a previous marriage would make you not give him a chance. Then maybe once things progressed and he didn't want to lose the good relationship that was developing... Does that make any sense? It's kind of hard to time something like that.

Mouse is right about the risk too... It's not like after you're married with a clean slate it stays there. You're always taking a chance. You've got to trust people, but that doesn't mean to trust blindly. Usually our "gut feelings" are pretty accurate. We're good at reading people even if we can't put those feelings in words or explain them. Just make sure you don't create these irrational fears and mix those up.

If the fact that he was married before doesn't matter and you love him, why not go ahead and get married? Obviously this was a huge thing to him that he was afraid to tell you (and finally wanted to get it out there). If you handle this well, he'll probably be less afraid of telling the truth. If all other things are good and there's no other reason to think he's dishonest or distrustful, then why throw everything away?

It's hard to give you advice without knowing much about him. Ultimately, I think you know what you should do. You just need to get over this initial shock and then you'll be able to think about this a little more clearly.

[stam11]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

if he was really trying to "trap" you, dont you think he would have waited until you got married. or he could have simply never told you, and how would you have ever found out actually?

Well he could not have keep it a secret any longer. FYI.. when you apply for your marriage license, you can not lie in there, it will show if you are divorced or not, so I am thinking I was told about this now because it was his very last chance to hear from him rather than seeing it on the marriage license.

[Sip]

Re: confused and hearth broken!

I would totally understand if you would want to biatch slap him and walk out if this thing came out on the day of the marriage.