Okay before we go any further it must be understood that what you are reading does indeed get very sick, raw, and might be offensive. If you choose to read then read. There are jokes that might come offensive to some and others who are warped and twisted like me might laff their asses off. So you are entering at your own risk. Enjoy if you read them, and if you read them and don't like it, well I don't know what to say but I warned you.
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?
Crib death.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?
Fire.
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.
Q. What's worse than ten dead babies in a barrel?
A. One dead baby in ten barrels.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?
Stu.
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?
Peg.
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they stink.
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