WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

French Couple:
The French couple asked their ten year old son what he wanted for Christmas.
"I wanna watch", he replied.
So they let him.
LOL LOL

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

The Dentist


A man and a woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the man takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The woman has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The man, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After they are done, the woman says, "You must be a good dentist."

The man, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[Dirtsandwich]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Because I have heard a 1000 jokes, I can't keep track of them. So I created a joke file, this way I can. Some are not all sick and twisted and some are. And sorry for repeats that might have already been posted. Some might even be slightly different. Some are old and most of us have heard them before.



What's the only drink that can get a girl pregnant? A Squirt & Cider
________________________________
Everyday Dan would come home and slap his wife on the ass and say,
"Best Butt, best butt".
This continued day after day. So as a surprise for her husband she went to the tattoo parlor.
Can you tattoo "Best Butt" on my ass?
After hearing the price and having little money she could only afford to put a "B" on each cheek.
"That's good enough, that'll do".
The next day her husband came home and she flipped up her skirt and revealed her surprise...
"Who the hell is Bob?”
__________________________________________________ ____
A blond police woman pulls over a blond female driver.
"Sorry, but you were speeding back there and I'll need to see your license and registration please".
"What's a license?". As she's fumbling through her purse.
"It’s a small square/rectangular thing with your picture on it".
"Oh, here it is". As she hands the cop a small pocket mirror.
"I'm sorry, you can go now. I didn't know that you were a cop".
______________________________________________
My Grandpa told me he was getting stronger as he got older.
"What do you mean Grandpa?"
"Because when I was younger I could never push my boner down. Now I can".

___

A blond was driving down the road and noticed another blond rowing in a canoe way out in the middle of a corn field. She yells out to her:
"You know, it’s girls like you that give blonds a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass".
__________________
"Get me a beer". The husband asks.
"I've been reading a lot about woman's rights, and I don't have to. Especially when you talk to me that way. Get your own beer". The wife replies.
"How would you like to not see me for a few days?"
"I'd love it. I'm sick of the way you treat me".
She didn't see him the next day. She didn't see him the second day. And she didn't see him the third day. The fourth day she could barely see him out of the corner of her right eye.
_____________________________________
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
"It was the first day I got me hook".
____________________________
What does Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common?
They both have boy’s underwear half off :
________________________________

What college did Michael Jackson attend?
Brigham Young
_______________________________________


A man was driving down the road and noticed a woman tied to some train tracks. He gets out, runs over to the girl and unties her then puts her into his truck.
Later that day his roommate comes home and he comes out of the bedroom and says:
"Dude, you wouldn't believe what happened today. It’s been the luckiest day of my life. Absolutely awesome".
"What...what?. The roommate asks.
I found this girl tied to some train tracks and then I brought her home and have been banging her all day".
"Really? No way. Did you get any head?"
"No, the train took care of that".
_________________________________________
A gay couple and a lesbian couple decide to go camping and will later meet the other one there at the camp.
Who made it there first?
The lesbian couple did because they left lickety-split, while the gay couple was still at home packing their sh!t.
________________________________
A bear goes into a bar and says:
"I'd like a beer".
"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears".
"How bout if I eat one of your customers? Will you then?"
"Yeah right! If you eat someone in here, I'll give you a beer".
So the bear eats a woman and has blood all over his teeth and face.
"So how bout that beer?"
"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears on drugs".
"What..., what's that suppose to mean".
"Because that was a barbiturate".
________________________
This joke is best, acted out.
A girl asks a friend
"What kind of surprise can I give my husband?"
"How bout a BJ?
"I've never done that before. I don't know if I'd be any good at it."
"Ohh that's silly, of course you can. It’s simple, just find something to practice on, like a ketchup bottle or something."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive, you'll do fine."
So a few days pass then her husband comes home from work and she says:
"I have a surprise for you."
So she grabs his D with one hand and starts violently pounding on the end of it with the palm of her other hand.
alternate ending-
So she grabs his D and shoves a butter knife down the hole.
___________________________
At the gates of Heaven:
"I'll give you another chance to live. And I'll reward your wife with a gift. This gift solely depends on how faithful she has been to you."
The first guy sees his wife driving a Lamborghini.
The second guy sees his wife driving a Cadillac.
The second guy asks the first guy:
Why is he crying?"
"Because he just saw his wife riding a skateboard down the road."
______________________________


A man was going to the pet store looking for an exotic pet. The owner says:
"Here's a chicken. It's got many colors to it like a rainbow."
"That's all you got?"
"Yes."
"Alright, I'll take it."
"But you can't call it a chicken because it will freak out. You have to call it a C*#k."
So on his way home after buying the chicken he sees another store and goes in.
"All we have is this rabbit that makes funny noises. But if you buy it you have to call it a pullit."
"Ok, fine."
So on his way home with his chicken and his rabbit he stops in at another store.
"All we have is this donkey. He talks. But if he stops walking just scratch him behind the ear and he'll start moving again."
So while the man is on his way home with his 3 new pets, the donkey just stops cold. Another man is passing. He asks the man passing by,
"Can you do me a favor? My hands are full. Can you hold my C*#k and pullit, while I scratch my ass?"

[Dirtsandwich]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

"Thank you for enrolling into the French Foriegn Legion. I know you were hesitant on joining but I can assure you the next five years with us will be a big payoff for you. And you do understand, that you cannot back out and that you must fulfill your term here?"
"Yes I do Sir. And thank you. I do have one question though. Being that we are confined to this installation, how does one satisfy themselves if we have no contact with any women. I mean what do we do for sex, sir?"
"I understand boy. No need to worry there. Come here, I'll show you something. You see that barrel over there?"
"Yea."
"From Wednesday to Monday anytime you want you just stick your xxxx in the hole and get and BJ."
"Really! Cool. Alright then. Ohh..umm, you said Wednesday through Monday? Well why not Tuesday?"
"Because that's your day in the barrel"

___
What did one gay sperm say to another gay sperm?
“How are we supposed to find the egg in this xxxx!”
___

Two gay guys are in the shower and the phone rings.
“Hold on, I’ll get it. Don’t cum yet, alright? Don’t cum, wait till I get back.”
“Ok.”
When he gets back into the shower there’s cum all over the walls running down.
“Man, I told you not to cum yet…..damn!”
“I didn’t, …I farted.”

___
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

___
Did you hear about the guy who lost is left arm and his left leg? Well he's allright now
___
A philosopher, a mathematician, and a blonde go to hell. The devil says each of them can give him one question and if he gets it wrong they can go to heaven. The philosopher asks a hard question about life and the devil quickly answers it right. Then the mathematician asks a hard math question and once again the devil answers correctly. The blonde gets a chair and drills 3 wholes in t. Then sits on it and farts. She then asks which whole did the fart come out of. The devil said, that’s easy, all three. She goes, no stupid, it came out of my butt hole!
___

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right. What do you have?
Kermit the frog’s undivided attention.
_________________________________________


There’s a bloke on a plane. He needs to take a xxxx. He goes to the toilet, but the male toilets are out of order. The female attendant says use the female’s, "but what ever you do, do NOT press the ATR button." To which he exclaims, "What’s the ATR button?" "It doesn’t matter," she says, "Just don't press it." He goes in and takes a dump and then sees three buttons in front of him. WW - WA - ATR ... He thinks, ok she said nothing about the first two. He presses the WW. A jet of warm water comes up and washes his crack. He thinks, wow! This is great, so he presses the WA. A jet of warm air dries his ass. By now he's thinking, these women have it made, and they are trying to hide how good the ATR is from the men. He presses it and blacks out. He wakes up in a hospital. He presses the buzzer and a nurse comes running. "Nurse nurse! What happened? I was taking a dump when all of a sudden I woke up here!" The nurse looks at him with a frown and says, "You pressed the ATR button didn't you!" He looks at her confused and says, "Yeah, but what is the ATR button?" "It’s the automatic tampon remover, your xxxx and balls are in that jar on the counter.

______________________________________________
What is similar with McDonald’s and Michael Jackson?
They both put their meat in 5-year-old buns.
___

Why do blondes have such difficulty passing a driver's test?
Every time the car comes to a stop they jump in the back seat.
____
What goes vrooom-screech, vrooom-screech, vrooom-screech?
A blond driving through a blinking red light.
___
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
Kick open the car door.
___
What's the first thing a blonde says when she finds out she's pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
____
What do you say to a blonde in a wheelchair if she has no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"

___
A Russian, an American and a blonde are talking one day. The Russian says, "We were the first in space!"
The American laughs and says, "So what! We were the first on the moon!"
The blonde says, "Who cares? We're gonna be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American look at each other and laugh. "You can't land on the sun, you fool! You'll burn up!"
The blonde turned up her nose and replied "We're not stupid you know. We're gonna go at night!"

____
There’s a brunette, a red head and a blonde. They are all sitting there pregnant and thinking of what sex their babies will be. The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex." The red head says "I'm going to have a girl because my hubby was on top. The blonde bursts into tears! "What’s the matter?" The red head asks the blonde. "I'M HAVING PUPPIES!!!!!"
____

There are three blokes on an island stranded after their boat sunk.
Poof! A genie appears. An English man. An Italian. And an Aussie are all presented with a question. Make one wish to get off this island, what will you wish for? The English man says, "I wish I was back home in the city of London, filthy rich with girls that love having sex with me." Poof! Off he goes. The Italian looks at the genie knowing now that he indeed has powers and says "I a'wish'a for'a me to'a be back'a in Roma, to help my grandkids in their pizza store'a." Poof! Off he goes. The aussies sittin there, thinkin and thinkin. He scratches his balls and then says, "**** I dunno, I wish me mates were to here to help."
____

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball
into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden. POOF! In a flash and
puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother
Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for
the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any
butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! She was gone. After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered
for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the xxxxx willows."
Dave yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON'T
SWING!!!"
____

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desperately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their room, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".
___

A man walked into a bar.
You'd think he would have ducked.
_____________________________

Mortal: "What is a million years like to you?"
God: "Like one second."
Mortal: "What is a million dollars like to you?"
God: "Like one penny."
Mortal: "Can I have a penny?"
God: "Just one second...."

___
A friend of mine got a Viagra pill caught in his throat, and he had a stiff neck for hours.
___
A truckload of Viagra was hijacked downtown yesterday. Police are still looking for three hardened criminals.
__
Don't argue with your wife... xxxxer.
____
A 21 year old walks into a bar and yells "barkeep! Five shots. Line'em up".
The barkeep lays out five shots and fills them with whiskey. The kid starts slamming the drinks one after another. When he gets to the fourth one, the barkeep covers the glass.
"What are you celebrating? No one drinks like this unless they are celebrating!"
The Kid gets a big smile and boasts "First xxxxxxx!"
The bartender exclaims "Hells yeah! Now THAT is something to celebrate. Tell you what...an extra shot on the house."
The kid waves his hand and says "Thanks, but that's not necessary, if the first five shots don't kill the taste, the sixth one won't either."

___


While out in the middle of nowhere a man became stranded when his car ran out of fuel. After walking a half a mile he sees a mansion and goes up to the door and knocks.
A butler opens the doors and the stranded man tells him he needs to use the phone. The butler says wait in here a moment. So as he waits he notices 3 big grandfather clocks each with a name above it. But also a fourth name with no clock under it.

1. Chris
2. John
3. Joe
4. name of your choice?

The man asks the butler:
"Why do you have names above all these clocks?"
"Each clock represents that person. Every time they whack off, the hands go around on that clock."
"So how come there's no clock under “name of your choice” name?"
"Oh, because we use that clock as a fan in the back room."

____

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
> African desert.
> During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
> behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
> The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
> on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's
> why we have the camel."
> The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
> urges, so the camel can stay."
> About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
> Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
> Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
> his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
> When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?", "No,
> not really, Sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the
> girls are...

____
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a
20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to
give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to
keep that old motor running". The following year the young bride gave
birth again. The same nurse said, you really are amazing. How do you do
it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same
thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You
certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You've got to keep that old
motor running". The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil.
This one's black.
-____
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
____
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for "suck here".
___
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
___
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
___
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.
___
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch

[Dirtsandwich]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

A horse walks into the bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"


____


A man finds that he is unable to perform, after several years of married
life
He goes to his doctor, who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor, who says, "I can cure this." He
throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it
once a year. All you have to do is say "123," and "it" will rise up for as
long as you wish!"
The guy replies, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"
"All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down." But be
warned: "It will not work again for another year."
The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He
showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets
into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets a massive
erection , just as the witch doctor said.
His wife, who was facing the other way, turns over and says, "What did you
say '123' for?"
_____________


Why don't elephants like to eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
___
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. The judge looks at Mickey and says, "So Mr. Mouse, you want to divorce your wife because you say she is crazy." Mickey shouts back at the judge, "I didn't say she was crazy...she’s f'ing Goofy!"

____

What do you call a cow that is buried? Ground Beef!
What do you call a cow that is masturbating? Beef Stroganoff !
___

What’s green and faintly smells of pork? Kermit’s finger

___
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
___
There's 2 cannibals in the jungle eating a clown.
One turns to the other and asks, "this taste funny to you"?
___
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave boy’s houses with empty sacks.
__
So this guy comes home and sees his girlfriend is pissed. Her bags are packed and she's leaving him. He rushes over to her and asks what's wrong. She says, "Someone told me you're a pedophile!!!" And he says "Well isn't that a big word for a 9-year-old."

____

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D!ck, let's go."
__________________________________________________ __
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. "The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ "There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
________________________
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."


___


There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy says.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour then takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
"How did you know?" the boy asked.
Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

___
The teenage daughter asks: “Dad, can I have $50?”
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to blow me first."
Needing the money real bad, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up and said "Dad your D tastes like sh!t"
”Oh yea”, her father replied, "Your brother wanted to borrow the car tonight."
___

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as ever. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for.""That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
___
Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like sh!t!
___
A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavor of ice cream in the world.""Bullsh!t," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor of ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of xxxx flavored ice cream please.""No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This tastes like sh!t!" The assistant replies, "Don’t take such long licks you moron!"
___________________________________
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.

___
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
___

2 guys and a girl are stranded on an island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
With no other options and after a few months of having sex the two guys felt bad about what they were doing…. so

They buried her.
___
A guy in driving down the road and picks up a polish hitch hiker. “Hop in sir!” the drivers says. 1 mile down the road the driver smells something really bad and asks the guy, “Hey, did you crap your pants?” The hiker says “No!” 2 miles down the road the driver smells it worse now and says, “Are you sure you didn’t sh!t your pants?” The hiker says “Yes, I’m sure,…I didn’t”. 3 miles down the road the driver can’t stand the smell and yells,”Get out!” The hiker gets out. The driver says, “I don’t believe you. Pull your pants down.” So the hiker pulls his pants down and there’s sh!t everywhere. All down his legs. “I thought you said you didn’t sh!t your pants!” “Oh, I thought you meant today.”

[Parskahye]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Q: How do you get ten babies in a bucket?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: With tortilla chips!

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Admiring Our Own Work:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Johnnys Camp TRip

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

The Marathon Man

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

[Pazooki]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

I love reading your jokes pepsi but for some reason I didn't understand the one above