WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

[Dirtsandwich]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Because I have heard a 1000 jokes, I can't keep track of them. So I created a joke file, this way I can. Some are not all sick and twisted and some are. And sorry for repeats that might have already been posted. Some might even be slightly different. Some are old and most of us have heard them before.



What's the only drink that can get a girl pregnant? A Squirt & Cider
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Everyday Dan would come home and slap his wife on the ass and say,
"Best Butt, best butt".
This continued day after day. So as a surprise for her husband she went to the tattoo parlor.
Can you tattoo "Best Butt" on my ass?
After hearing the price and having little money she could only afford to put a "B" on each cheek.
"That's good enough, that'll do".
The next day her husband came home and she flipped up her skirt and revealed her surprise...
"Who the hell is Bob?”
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A blond police woman pulls over a blond female driver.
"Sorry, but you were speeding back there and I'll need to see your license and registration please".
"What's a license?". As she's fumbling through her purse.
"It’s a small square/rectangular thing with your picture on it".
"Oh, here it is". As she hands the cop a small pocket mirror.
"I'm sorry, you can go now. I didn't know that you were a cop".
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My Grandpa told me he was getting stronger as he got older.
"What do you mean Grandpa?"
"Because when I was younger I could never push my boner down. Now I can".

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A blond was driving down the road and noticed another blond rowing in a canoe way out in the middle of a corn field. She yells out to her:
"You know, it’s girls like you that give blonds a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass".
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"Get me a beer". The husband asks.
"I've been reading a lot about woman's rights, and I don't have to. Especially when you talk to me that way. Get your own beer". The wife replies.
"How would you like to not see me for a few days?"
"I'd love it. I'm sick of the way you treat me".
She didn't see him the next day. She didn't see him the second day. And she didn't see him the third day. The fourth day she could barely see him out of the corner of her right eye.
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A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
"It was the first day I got me hook".
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What does Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common?
They both have boy’s underwear half off :
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What college did Michael Jackson attend?
Brigham Young
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A man was driving down the road and noticed a woman tied to some train tracks. He gets out, runs over to the girl and unties her then puts her into his truck.
Later that day his roommate comes home and he comes out of the bedroom and says:
"Dude, you wouldn't believe what happened today. It’s been the luckiest day of my life. Absolutely awesome".
"What...what?. The roommate asks.
I found this girl tied to some train tracks and then I brought her home and have been banging her all day".
"Really? No way. Did you get any head?"
"No, the train took care of that".
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A gay couple and a lesbian couple decide to go camping and will later meet the other one there at the camp.
Who made it there first?
The lesbian couple did because they left lickety-split, while the gay couple was still at home packing their sh!t.
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A bear goes into a bar and says:
"I'd like a beer".
"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears".
"How bout if I eat one of your customers? Will you then?"
"Yeah right! If you eat someone in here, I'll give you a beer".
So the bear eats a woman and has blood all over his teeth and face.
"So how bout that beer?"
"Sorry we don't serve beer to bears on drugs".
"What..., what's that suppose to mean".
"Because that was a barbiturate".
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This joke is best, acted out.
A girl asks a friend
"What kind of surprise can I give my husband?"
"How bout a BJ?
"I've never done that before. I don't know if I'd be any good at it."
"Ohh that's silly, of course you can. It’s simple, just find something to practice on, like a ketchup bottle or something."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive, you'll do fine."
So a few days pass then her husband comes home from work and she says:
"I have a surprise for you."
So she grabs his D with one hand and starts violently pounding on the end of it with the palm of her other hand.
alternate ending-
So she grabs his D and shoves a butter knife down the hole.
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At the gates of Heaven:
"I'll give you another chance to live. And I'll reward your wife with a gift. This gift solely depends on how faithful she has been to you."
The first guy sees his wife driving a Lamborghini.
The second guy sees his wife driving a Cadillac.
The second guy asks the first guy:
Why is he crying?"
"Because he just saw his wife riding a skateboard down the road."
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A man was going to the pet store looking for an exotic pet. The owner says:
"Here's a chicken. It's got many colors to it like a rainbow."
"That's all you got?"
"Yes."
"Alright, I'll take it."
"But you can't call it a chicken because it will freak out. You have to call it a C*#k."
So on his way home after buying the chicken he sees another store and goes in.
"All we have is this rabbit that makes funny noises. But if you buy it you have to call it a pullit."
"Ok, fine."
So on his way home with his chicken and his rabbit he stops in at another store.
"All we have is this donkey. He talks. But if he stops walking just scratch him behind the ear and he'll start moving again."
So while the man is on his way home with his 3 new pets, the donkey just stops cold. Another man is passing. He asks the man passing by,
"Can you do me a favor? My hands are full. Can you hold my C*#k and pullit, while I scratch my ass?"

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

The Dentist


A man and a woman meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the man takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The woman has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The man, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After they are done, the woman says, "You must be a good dentist."

The man, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

French Couple:
The French couple asked their ten year old son what he wanted for Christmas.
"I wanna watch", he replied.
So they let him.
LOL LOL

[One-Way]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Omg, racist jokes and disgusting!?!!

[Anonymouse]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

These jokes are sick. I just can't read them anymore.

Please go to Church to cleanse yourself. Mmkay?

[Inthemood]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

These jokes are sick. I just can't read them anymore.

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Hard Times:

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

LOL that was actually funny

[vasbourakan1]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

a kid aged 9 walks in the corridor and hears some noise from his sisters, aged 16, bedroom. he comes close to the door and watches from the key hole and sees his sister naked caressing herself and saying, of I want a boy, oh I need a boy, so the kid does not understand and continues his road. the next day, same thing, the day after also, the fourth day when he looks through the key hole, he sees his sister naked with a boy kissing each other and etc, so he turns back quickly to his room, takes off his clothes and begins caressing himself saying, oh I want a bycicle, I need a byciycle

[MrHyeSev]

Re: WARNING: Sick jokes. Do not read if you can't handle!

Sero there are diffrent versions of that joke